On Becoming Truer

“In most cases, something has died to give us life.” – Norman Grubb

I’m one hour out from being at the funeral of a great man. And I’m a few seconds removed from having read the above statement. So forgive me as I sit in the space that these two events have suddenly and surprisingly created within me as I ponder the relation of death to my life.

How dependent I am on death for life!

For me to have the leather for my shoes, death was required. For me to have the cotton for my clothes, death was required. For me to have the wood for my desk, death was required. For me to have the food that I will consume today, to sustain my very existence, death was required. For me to have a roof over my head, death was required. Even the oxygen I breath in every moment gives its existence completely up so that I might live.

It’s embedded in the fabric of my daily experience. I’m completely dependent on death to have life.

And this may be the first time I’ve acknowledged it with such awareness and gratitude.

And that’s the thing, I think. Awareness and gratitude. These days, people have divided into opposing camps: some people fight for the rights of those things that are dying to give man his life, some people fight for the rights of man to kill those things to have the life he has.

Both sides have merits, I think. I don’t want things to die for nothing of real value to man, but I don’t want man to miss out on things of real value just because it requires death to receive them.

It’s a dilemma.

I have felt it most poignantly in the story of Christ. When I hear the story, I never want to Jesus to die in it. But I want the life that he says I can have only if he does, too. I’m like he was in the Garden before he was drug off to be crucified, praying, “God, if there is any other way, let this cup be taken from him.”

It’s in the Bible’s story, and it’s in my daily story – someone or something’s death is the price for me to have my life.

I don’t think Jesus would want me try to convince him not to do it for me, nor would he want me to fight against it happening (Peter tried both – see Mt 16:23 & Jn 18:11). I think what he wants is for me to have…

…awareness and gratitude.

And then, everything that these two things bring, when they are with me, gives praise.

When I’m aware and grateful for all the things in creation that die to give me life, I won’t misuse creation. I’ll utilize it’s sacrifice…but I’ll also enjoy it, admire it, protect it, and care for it.

When I’m aware and grateful for Jesus who died for me to give me life, I’m not inclined to misuse him, take him for granted, or “live however I want since I’m forgiven”.  I enjoy him, I admire him, I serve him, and I praise him. I live a life of love…

…when I’m aware and grateful.

A wonderful e-friend of mine named John asked me if I had any comments on an analogy that he heard a preacher preach. The preacher explains his analogy like this (for my readers who aren’t from my unique tribe of Christians, Alexander Campbell and Barton Stone are acknowledged as forefathers of the Restoration Movement in America, a movement that believed unity of all believers could be achieved if all churches would use the Bible only as their creed):

My sermon was about doing what God says do the way God says do it.  Man has never been faithful to God very long.  Man is in constant need of restoration.  Alexander Campbell and Barton Stone did not invent the concept of restoration.  That has been a constant in the Bible since the fall in the Garden of Eden.

Jesus had that emphasis in His life of doing what God says do the way God says do it.  The disciples of Jesus recognized and taught this principle.

I used the illustration of supposing that baseball were not played for 2,000 years.  If someone found a baseball rule book and wanted to play the game, how could they do it?  What would be the result?  If they went by the baseball rule book, they would have unity.  Jesus prayed for the unity of His followers.  Paul taught that principle.  Why do we not have unity today?  Could it be that we are using different books?

This analogy stirred something in me enough to respond with this:

To most Church of Christ restorationists, “doing what God says the way God says to do it” means “do church the way the 1st century church did it.” I know where this idea came from, and the very good heart and motive behind it, but I can’t find this anywhere out of Christ’s mouth, or written in the Bible by any of his followers.

To me, “doing what God says the way God says to do it” means “become like Jesus Christ in heart, character, mission, and priorities.” I found this idea in the mouth of Jesus (Jn 20:21; Mt 28:18; Jn 13:15, etc…), and all over the writings of the Bible by his followers (1 Jn 2:6; Php 2:5; Eph 5:1; 1 Cor 11:1; 1 Pt 2:21, etc…).

That baseball analogy works for baseball because baseball is an outward exercise that can be followed and practiced based on rules that govern outward behaviors. As a matter of fact, baseball is an exclusively outward game, and it can be played by any “kind” of person.

That’s why it breaks down as an appropriate analogy for discipleship. Christianity is based on character, mission, and priorities. Sure, it has it’s outward expressions, but they are measure not by how they align with outward expressions from the 1st (or any) century, but by how those expressions line up with the heart, character, mission, and priorities of Jesus Christ. The outward expressions are judged on their fruit (Mt 7:20). As a matter of fact, Jesus goes on to say that, even though genuine Christianity will always produce outward expressions, outward expressions alone are not enough to judge whether it is true Christianity or not (Mt 7:21).

Baseball can’t change it’s outward expression and still be called pure baseball. Christianity, however, certainly can change in it’s outward expressions and still be called pure Christianity. Why? Because baseball is based on rules expressed outwardly. Christianity is based on the Christlike heart that exists inwardly.

I am still a “patternist.” And a restorationist. But rather than using the 1st century church as my pattern, I use the person of Jesus Christ (like the 1st century church did, by the way – 1 Th 1:6). And instead of thinking that God wants to restore the 1st century church, I join in him in restoring people’s hearts to their original oneness with God (which is what was lost in the Garden – Lk 19:10).

God is after a Christlike “kind of person” being developed that leads to the most abundant life available to a human being daily, not a certain set of worship practices being exercised consistently by a group of people on Sunday (which WOULD be like baseball).

As far as following the same rulebook…Jesus himself said that salvation does not come from following the Bible. It comes from him. And that is purpose of the Bible. To get us to him for life. (John 5:39-40).Too many try to squeeze some set of rules out of the Bible to follow unto salvation, when according to the Bible, being in relationship with Jesus is what brings salvation. And I would suggest it brings about a much more holy, spiritual, and devoted Christianity, too.

According the Bible, even the Bible is not the point. It’s the pointer. When I want to take issue with a baseball umpire on whether I am safe or not, I would take the baseball rulebook to him to show him how I followed the rules that make me safe. When I go before God, I do NOT want to take my Bible in my hand up to Him and show him how I followed the rules that make me saved. I would much rather have my hand in Jesus Christ’s hand, and let him tell his Father that I am safe, because I was in genuine love relationship with His son in a way that triggered forgiveness and made me look more and more like him on earth.

This is where our confidence comes from according to scripture (1 John 4:17).

Does this make sense? I’m sure I’m not getting it all right, but this seems to make more sense, both in doctrine and practice, to me. I have not been able to EVER find unity in or among churches by trying to agree on what the “rule-book” says is imperative as religious practices. But I am finding PROFOUND unity in and among Christians who are focused on loving and living like Jesus Christ in heart, character, priority and mission.

And on top of that, it is a message that people in the world seem attracted to, too. Not many of my un-churched (or de-churched) friends seem to want a certain set of religious practices. But all of them seem to want what Christ offers – life to the full (Jn 10:10).

I haven’t posted a whole lot lately. But it is because I am so full that I can hardly bare it. Every time I sit to write, I can hardly be with all the thoughts and excitement inside of me.

Thank you for sharing life with me in this way, friends.

“The greatest among you should be like the youngest.” – Jesus Christ

My 8-year-old daughter Callie has learned to use the new printer on her mom’s computer. With it, she added this incredible piece to her already stunning room.

I pulled a copy out (just 1, as instructed), and here’s what it says:

Welcome!

In order for you to come into Callie’s room you must: have fun, be sweet, love each other, share, say nice things to your friends, always have your smiley face on, always be welcomed into Callie’s room, care for others, if someone is hurt- help them, never hurt people’s feelings, be very sweet to Callie’s parents, don’t beg for anything- just ask nicely, clean up your messes at all times, be nice to strangers that are at Callie’s house, do what Callie’s parents ask you to, be sweet to Callie’s brothers, recycle things that are recyclable, and don’t mess with fragile things.

If you are here, that means you are very, very, very, very special to Callie!!!!

At the bottom, by her already signed commitment, is a covenant of friendship from this sweet, sweet little girl.

You can bet I picked up the closest pen and put my name on it. Who in their right mind wouldn’t accept an invitation into a room that designs and protects that kind human-friendly atmosphere? Who wouldn’t pursue an offer of practicing a life like that?

There’s an old book that I have read called “How Children Raise Parents”. I remember being very taken in by it’s message that children are sent to us as parents to grow us up.

I have been sent a most spectacular of teachers in this little girl. She seems to carry light around with her with the greatest of ease. I am blessed to get such a front row seat to behold it.

I love you, Callie Jakin. You have a beauty that God Himself has established.

“Go and make disciples of all nations.” – the commission of Jesus to his church

“The only obstacle that church leadership faces in better organizing itself around Christ’s commission is their love for the church members.” – Yours Truly

“Love never stopped Jesus from progression toward his mission. Love fueled it.” – Yours Truly

I love the church. Always have for as long as I can remember.

Interestingly, as I survey my life, I can identify different stages and expressions of that love. By doing that, I can better see what stage I am in now, and then maybe even predict (or is it imagine?, or is it create?) how I will express it in my old age.

In the beginning, I looked to the church with excitement. By beginning, I really do mean it, because I was born into a church-going family. In my earliest memories, church represented a welcome and fun interruption to my otherwise somewhat ordinary week. There were other excitements in my life, but none as reliable and steadfast as “going to church” regularly as a kid. I remember loving nursery care, fun classes, loud singing, energetic puppet shows, new friends, and along with all of it, a sense of importance behind everything we were doing that went beyond what we were doing.

At some point, I began to look to the church with comfort.  It was what I was used to and could depend on. It became a friend, and I’m not just talking about the people. I could rely and anchor something deep in my soul to the rituals that my church used in their services. Two songs, a prayer, a song, a scripture reading, a song, a sermon, and song with an invitation to walk to the front, and then dismissal. It became a rhythm that was so normal and assumed, like breathing or mealtimes, that any interruption or variation was at a minimum very noticeable, and at a maximum, unacceptable.

It’s a blurry boundary that I can’t pinpoint, but I began to look to the church with satisfaction. It was home. This “home” was not so much with the people there, but with the people who were satisfied with the same things I was. And all of us were satisfied with how we did church and equating how we did it with true Christianity. I guess that our church hit the balance of calling for enough sacrifice, while not calling for so much, that as long as I did what the church called for, I felt like a fully developed Christian. Which made me feel satisfaction.

But slowly and surely, and in pretty dramatic fashion, I started looking to the church with longing. This switch came through a combination of factors that conspired to make me into someone who wanted “more” from church. My own personal study of scripture was one of those factors (the life it called for didn’t seem to match up with what I was experiencing). A traumatic family event was another (my family moved outside the scope of functioning that the church was trained to handle). A third factor was the surfacing of some deep need within me for authentic, real relationships (the church said it was the community where I should find them, but I didn’t). Another was the awakening of a desire to make an actual difference in the world to actual people (the message of Jesus seemed to be the best way to do that, and I thought his message belonged to the church, but it often carried a slight but significant distortion of that message). All of this, and probably more, combined to make me look to the church as if it should deliver all this to me.

Having lost my satisfaction, and thinking the church should meet these longings, I began to look to the church with responsibility. The church is me, after all, and if the church isn’t meeting some of the many valid human longings that Jesus says he meets, then it is at least partially on me to transition the church into doing so. It sounds quite noble, empowering, and self-responsible, I know. But I think I’m currently shedding the last bit of residue of this stage, still feeling some of it, but it is quickly giving way to to something that looks the same outwardly, but is much healthier inwardly.

That is, I now look to the church with opportunity. The church is my opportunity to be a part of the community of people who relate with God and each other and the world in a way that delivers the most abundant life available to people.

All of these stages have been valid, useful, and shaping for me. All of these companions of mine, different expressions of my love for the church, have actually been necessary for the church to do with me what Jesus commissioned it to do… shape me more and more into the image of Jesus Christ. In this beautiful way, the church has fulfilled (and is fulfilling) it’s great commission…to make a disciple of me.

It’s interesting to look back and observe that as I was experiencing each one, each stage seemed to be the pinnacle of love for the church.

And in a way, I guess each one was…for me…at the time.

I hope you can see as clearly as I the thread of God’s activity in and through all of these stages. I’m grateful for and honor each one.

And to do that today is to own and fully engage with and enjoy the stage that I am currently in. So for today, I have been given the opportunity to shape the church (which, no matter what else it includes, means to shape myself) to reflect and offer the commission of Jesus Christ to my world a little bit better than it does right now. In this looking to the church with opportunity, and acting, I honor what it is God is doing to shape me with the church, and to shape the church with me.

Like all the stages, and contrary to what it feels like when in each one, it won’t last long. Way sooner than I may be comfortable with, this opportunity will be handed down to my kids. And they, above all else, help me stay diligent and desirous of not being wasteful of this stage…inasmuch as it has to do with me.

But when this stage passes, what is next? When I’m done looking to the church with opportunity, what will be left?

Love. Just love. I will look to the church with love. My imagination says that the next stage will not be needing any more qualifiers to try to describe how it is I’m showing that love. I should be agile enough, mature enough, and Christ-like enough to need nothing from it, to feel no burdensome or guilt-producing obligation to it, but only love…which produces whatever labor from me that will be demanded in each and every moment, no matter the cost. I will show love for everyone at every stage, and hopefully be useful as a guide for anyone at any stage, personally and relationally, to help anyone (inside or outside the church) take their next step towards the point of it all…intimacy and relationship with God.

This point of the church was the point of Jesus Christ. That is why the church is called Christ’s. And we each members of not just “it”…but “him.”

God help me.

“That’s just the way I am.” – one of the saddest, laziest, and most faithless phrases that I ever hear

“Just be.” – spoken my many, followed by none

“I don’t belong anywhere.” – powerless when spoken as accusation or resignation, powerful when owned as a false perception or realization

I’ve written a couple of pieces already on being and on belonging.

As important as each of those are to me, I think that the idea of “becoming” is the one I spend most of my thought life on. Of the three, this idea contains and delivers the most hope (in me, and from me to others). It unlocks in a man the sleeping dreamer. It utilizes the most creativity, as well as the full arsenal of powers that God has given to mankind for his use. And even with that, it also depends on the power that God has reserved for Himself in order for a person to enter into it, let alone achieve it.

Becoming

One of the countless things that my teacher has said on this subject is that unless I change and become like a little child, I will not live in the ways of God.

I’ve spent some time dwelling on that. I respect my teacher a lot, and believe him to be brilliant, and often ponder his every word for meaning, value, and direction (I wonder if sometimes he laughs at me because I may “miss the forest for the trees”).

Now, I know the heart of my teacher, and so even though a glance at these words on paper can be interpreted as a warning and condemnation, I know him to be communicating a message of hope and desire and possibility. A message of life that he wants me to have.

With this teaching, he is telling me that I can change. He is also giving me the very good news that living in the ways of God is available to me. Not only that, but he is informing me that there are some qualities or characteristics, observable or inherent in a child, that he thinks necessary and good for me. On a side note, since I was a child once myself, this teaching proves to me that I am capable of change, since I now have lost these qualities and need them back.

I meet so many people who do not believe they can become something that they are now not. I meet another large set of people that believe they can become something else, but can not connect to the desire to do so, or a picture of what that should be, in a way that fuels them to enter it. Watching these folks makes me really tired.

Tired, because usually these folks want to talk the language of becoming, love the idea of becoming, want to be seen as people who are becoming, and even set aside time to be in community with others who are becoming, but never enter into the process of becoming themselves.

Why? Because becoming something other than you are, no matter how small the change, is nothing short of revolution.

And revolution, by definition, is the overthrowing of the old with the new.

And we, dear friends, for the most part, do not want to overthrow the old. Not really. It’s easy to focus on the negative of how we (or things) are when we have no intention of or belief that we will change. But, when our talk of revolution and becoming gets discussed as a real possibility, and the cliff from which we must jump is right before us, we all quickly realize the many perks that we enjoy from how we (or things), and we find out whether or not we really want to throw it all away for something new. 

Most do not. Including me, I sadly confess. But I am healing from this…and becoming.

It’s the work of my life, in me and offered to others. Let me just say that the “payoff of becoming” is so much sweeter than the “perks of the same”.

God help us all.

By the way…some more cool books for sale, going cheap currently, here.

“I don’t belong anywhere.” – powerless when spoken as accusation or resignation, powerful when owned as a false perception or realization

“That’s just the way I am.” – one of the saddest, most faithless phrases I’ve ever heard

“Just be.” – spoken my many, followed by none

Ever since I wrote part one of these three pieces, I’ve been enjoying using these three words, in my own mind, more and more as an explanation of my life and love for others…being, belonging, and becoming.

Perhaps there is more to my life and work than these three things, but if my life consisted of nothing else but these, and if my “ministry” to others gave help on nothing more than these, I would be overwhelmed with satisfaction. I will restate here that I am fairly consumed with the work of what each one means, how to practice them, and where they interact.

Belonging

It is quite amazing to watch people and see what they will do in order to feel like they “belong”. Perhaps in no one more dramatically than teenagers. I have seen students completely change their wardrobes just to belong. I have witnessed them allowing themselves to be used for sex just to belong. I have seen them scream “I hate you” to the folks that have sacrificially loved them most just to belong. I have seen them perform horrible cruelty to themselves and other living things just to belong. Much of what we do can be explained by this desire.

Of course, it is not just teenagers. I have seen adults submit to the strangest religious practices just to belong. I have seen them compromise their values just to belong. I have seen them kill themselves making money just to belong. I have seen them lord it over their kids quite harshly just to belong.

“Belonging” is something that people universally seem to be longing for (cheesy pun, there, I admit, but done quite accidentally, believe it or not. I noticed it on my proof-read!).

This idea of belonging speaks to our relational nature. Think about it. Have you ever been able to experience yourself “in relation” to something or someone else? The famous and ancient Greek challenge to “Know Thyself” can hardly be done without a context within which to do it, which demands that we find ourselves in the midst of or up against someone or something else.

Most everything can be explained in people through the lens of their desire to belong in relationship…

• to a family
• to a people group
• to a larger story
• to a movement
• to a company
• to a religion
• to a nation
• to a God
• to an ideology

I suppose one of the great human gifts that can be given from one to another is the gift of belonging. I know I fail constantly, but I do intentionally try, with everyone I meet, to assist them in feeling like they belong wherever we are at, wherever they are at, with me, and with mine. Generally speaking, I do this in two ways:

1. By looking past the superficial differences between us, as extreme and obvious as they may be, and look for myself in every person. Since I know how desperately I want to be loved, when I find myself in them (how we are just alike), I find myself loving them.
2. By looking past their humanity, as  broken and ugly as it may be, and look for Jesus Christ in every person. Since I know how desperately I want to serve Christ, when I find Christ in them (and he is always there), I find myself loving them.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but when genuine love is inflamed inside of you for someone, you will do anything that is good for them, even at great cost or inconvenience to yourself. Our genuine love is the force that tempts the object of our love to feel belonging.

However, I have also noticed that most people who are longing for belonging usually do belong somewhere. It is not that belonging has not been intentionally offered, but something in themselves that keeps them from feeling the belong.

I know for a fact that I was accepted, warts and all, way before I felt accepted. I belonged way before I felt the confidence and security and well-being that comes from belonging.

Most, if not all, of you are, too.

The people who are able to “find their place” anywhere and with anyone are the people who already know they have one no matter what place they are at and with whom they are with.

There are those who go way too far at helping others feel like they belong because they themselves feel as if they don’t, and they are resolute in sparing others this deep pain in attempts to relieve their own.

That notwithstanding, those who have deep understanding and live in the reality that they belong to God, and their place is immovable, spend their time peacefully and patiently and painstakingly helping others feel like they belong, in order to show them that they really do.

Re-read and consider my opening quote above whenever you are tempted to blame your feelings of not belonging somewhere on someone other than yourself.

“Just be.” – spoken my many, followed by none

“I don’t belong anywhere.” – powerless when spoken as an accusation, powerful when owned as a realization

“That’s just the way I am.” – one of the saddest, most faithless phrases I’ve ever heard

I’ve been toying around with three human needs all of my life…being, belonging, and becoming. They came to me as this simple list of words on my way to the office this morning. I thought, “I bet I could categorize everything I’ve ever written, every sermon I’ve ever preached, every feeling I’ve ever felt under these three categories.”

Whether I can or not, I am fairly consumed with work of what they mean, how to practice them, and where they interact. So I thought I’d write about them directly for your consideration and feedback, one at a time.

Being

“Being” is a word that brings me peace. It confronts my inclination towards frenzy. It brings me back into the present.

It has been said that although we are referred to as “human beings,” we are better described as “human doings”. And at least in most of the developed world, the idea that we are in the “human race” takes on new meaning. The race we seem to be in seems so right and productive. It demands a life of “doing” to be sure. And the saddest thing is, most humans can not imagine an existence that is different (and often get angry when someone seriously suggests that there is). I hear so many cultural catch-phrases that that are embedded with the “wisdom” of busyness.

• “So much to do, so little time.” (so do as much as you can)
• “Time is money.” (so turn as much of the first into the second as possible)
• “With great power comes great responsibility.” (if you have a talent, it’s wrong not to use it at every opportunity)
• “Don’t just stand there, do something!” (As if just standing there isn’t sometimes the thing to do)

Flying in the face of this ever-present assumption that doing = joy, success, happiness, faithfulness is the age-old wisdom delivered through the Sons of Korah, “Be still and know that I am God.” (Ps 46).

A grown man wept uncontrollably in my presence yesterday. As he explained himself, he used words that capture in such an honest and raw way what is true, at some level, for all of us. He said,

“I have tried everything I know to do. I’ve taken it all on my own shoulders. I’ve been handling it all myself. I’m running myself ragged. It’s not working. I don’t know what to do.”

I told him to stop trying so hard and stop doing so much. I said that whatever it is that is next for him, the idea of ‘”letting it happen” will be better guidance than the idea of “making it happen.”

This theme runs throughout scripture (invisibly, to most of us)…

When faced with an overwhelming battle to fight, the people were told: “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.” (Ex 14:13-14)

When they opened their Bible’s for the first time in years, and felt convicted at how far their lives had strayed from the true and good ways, “the Levites calmed all the people, saying, “Be still, for this is a sacred day. Do not grieve.” (Neh 8:11)

When others seem to have more success than them, and particularly when they do so with unfair, unjust or adversarial means, David says, “Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.” (Ps 37:7)

I’ve learned to depend on this in my life. It’s a far better (and simpler, and easier) way to live. His offer stands for every single person when he says, “Be still before the LORD, all mankind, because he has roused himself from his holy dwelling.” (Zech 2:13)

And in case you need to see how Jesus applies this (which I always do), here’s how he goes about it: “My Father is always at his work to this very day, and I, too, am working. I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does. For the Father loves the Son and shows him all he does.” (John 5:17-20)

Nothing could be more practical than this.

Take note, doing addicts, that there is no need to defend the actual practice of doing some things. You will miss the heart of this message entirely if you need to pretend that I’m lifting up some sort of constantly inactive, un-diligent, lazy or apathetic view of things as the way of Christ.

On the contrary, there is plenty to do. Jesus said, “I, too, am working.” But if you do it by yourself, it will be nothing, and it will consume your life with fruitless doing.

There is no shortcut. We need to learn to see what God is doing and join him in that as he shows us all he does.

If you need something to “do” – then do that.

Next piece: Belonging

What is one to say when life gets interrupted with death?

Whenever I am called upon to answer this question (in the form of sharing at a funeral), I am always filled equally with dread and honor.

I’ve spoken at many funerals… my family, close friends, nearly perfect strangers, religious and irreligious, old and young, tragically unexpected and comfortably natural. Last week I spoke at the heart-aching funeral of a 3-week-old baby named Ryson. This week I will speak at the soul-stinging funeral of a young woman who committed suicide, the wife of one of my friends and mother of 3.

Do you feel me? Equal parts dread and honor. Each and every one has provided a unique stress on me, and also a unique blessing.

I’ve tried to be all “preachery” and develop some sort of “form funeral” outline (well, not really tried…but have often thought it would make things easier) that fits each and every circumstance of death powerfully but generically, with some sacred space inside of it to pack with personal stories or circumstances in order to serve and honor the family of the loved one. But that has never come for me. It has for weddings, but not for funerals.

So I find myself “attaching to the emotion” of each death with my whole heart as best as I am able, by “being with” the family and friends left behind (sometimes physically, sharing and remembering, but sometimes just emotionally and from a distance, observing and empathizing). Somewhere in the midst of this exercise, words come.

I feel they come from God. Why? Because I’m not smart enough to come up with them alone, and the reaction to them is always mysteriously good.

So when the come, I write them down next chance I get. They provide me with some comfort (“shew…I have something to say”), but they usually provide some more dread (“Are you serious, God? You want me to say that?”).

At any rate, some thoughts came to me for Ryson’s funeral last week that I found very useful for me in general, concerning the emotional roller coaster ride that loved ones find themselves on when death interrupts their lives.  I thought them worth sharing with you.

These thoughts come in the form of four perspectives on death that each of us unintentionally (and usually uncontrollably) jump between, each one with it’s corresponding emotion attached. They are all appropriate perspectives (as are the emotions attached to them), and they all serve a role in ushering a human being safely through the experience of death, but two of them are meant to be temporary, and two are meant to be permanent.

The first perspective has us looking at “what was, that is not anymore.” Attached to this perspective is the emotion of mourning. We had a person, and now we do not. As human beings, we seem to grow accustomed to the presence of someone (or even some things) once they are in our lives. Our lives, expectations, and even schedules get influenced and revolved around them quite quickly, and we attach our happiness to all of this. So… mourning is the process of adjusting to the loss of someone (or something) we have attached to. It can be seen when a friend moves to a new city, when we retire, when all the kids leave, and yes, when someone dies.

The second perspective has us looking at “what could have been, but will not be.” The emotion here, to distinguish from mourning, is grief. This is more of a future perspective on our loss, the loss of something that we feel was supposed to be, but isn’t going to be. It’s why our loved one’s birthday will cut to the heart a little each year, holidays are difficult, and milestone events (graduations, weddings, family reunions, etc) will have their sting.

Pause here for a minute. We must beware of shortchanging or shortcutting either of these powerful feelings of loss…in the days immediately following and in the years to come. While we aren’t meant to live in them every day (praise God!), they are meant to be visited. Though we place stone monuments in cemeteries, these are the monuments of their memory and evidence of our capacity to love, truly worthy things to hang on to and cherish. While it is natural for humans to always want to escape pain, our love for those we lose is something we never want to escape. And if Christ taught us anything in his story, it is that love and pain are bedfellows. So don’t let the ongoing feelings of loss spiral you to despair…instead let it elevate you to your love.

The third perspective, which causes the emotions of gratitude and even rejoicing, is “what is, that is so much better than it was.” Death is many things, and one of the things that it is, is the ultimate escape from the pains of this life that we are all vulnerable to. When we dwell on the pains and sufferings that our loved one no longer must deal with, the emotion of gratitude slides into our hearts. For example, baby Ryson fought hard for his life for 3 weeks in the hospital, which is courageous and admirable, but he wasn’t meant to have to fight at that intensity daily. This perspective allows us to feel gratitude for the rest and relief of this pain. And for those who believe in Christ, there is the additional surge of gratitude that comes from knowing that the life Ryson was fighting so hard for, is now his in all it’s abundance without strain.

Pause again. I might add that there is a guilt that tries to creep in on people here. Our Enemy loves to poison this healthy and positive perspective, making people feel like they are selfish for feeling any gladness… as if they are only grateful because they themselves get to be done with the loved one’s pain. We need to guard our own hearts from this, and the hearts of others. Else we (or they) will get trapped in mourning and grief out of a false sense of duty to prove that they love who they lost by doing so.

The fourth perspective is only available to people of faith. And this one is the one that gives the human being the feelings that make life abundant presently no matter the circumstances faced, that is, the feeling of hope and confidence that leads to joyful perseverance. It is the the perspective of “what will be, which is the perfection of our heart’s deepest desires.” Those who follow Christ have a story that tells us that death is not the end and does not win. It says that there is a time coming when we will have our loved one and they will have us and all of us will have God. Jesus said that the Greatest of all Commandments are those that speak of love for God and love for one another. I believe he chose those two because they are what will remain when all of what we know now is gone. The complete perfection of every desire that the human heart longs for and can never attain in all of it’s glory here on earth… is coming.

I have found that the healthiest people who have suffered loss are the ones who progress openly and honestly through each of these perspectives, embracing and deeply “being with” them all, until finally they become able to control this emotional roller coaster, living primarily in the 4th perspective, and choosing to visit the other 3 when necessary and desired. For the 4th perspective is the major theme, the first two are true, but minor themes, and will not last. And the 3rd perspective, while very helpful in ushering us to the 4th, is as far as the atheist can go for comfort, and it does not seem to create lasting joy in them.

I hope this helps someone who reads this, because I’m not quite sure why I’m writing it, or where these thoughts have come from. I’m grateful to Ryson’s family, however, for most recently inviting me into the dreaded and honorable position that they did, that I could get these words for myself.

I needed them.

They confirm to me that death isn’t really a interruption to life, but a powerful and potent and relentless part of it. Necessary for life to the full, which I am daily after.

I love you.

P.S. At risk of being a bit trivial after such a weighty subject, I have some more books for sale here. Perhaps you know someone who might be interested?

“I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction.” – Deuteronomy 30:15

“Choose life.” – Deuteronomy 30:19

“Listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life.” – Deuteronomy 30:20

I was faced with a horrible choice yesterday.

I was leaving an intense day of work and headed home to pick up my son for soccer practice.

I found myself tired. And I found myself wanting a Dr. Pepper. Toot n’ Totom was up there on the right. As I was driving by, I was torn between my desire for a Dr. Pepper and my desire to not expend the energy it would take to stop, get out of my car, and go in and buy a Dr. Pepper.

As I was deliberating what to do, a brutal moment of self-awareness smacked me across the face. I was choosing between being lazy or being unhealthy.

I started laughing. (Partly because of what I’m about to tell you, but partly because I’m the freak that for some reason thinks up stuff like what I’m about to tell you!)

The first quote above popped into my head…you know, the one where God says that he puts before us the choice between life and death. Yet here, on my drive home, I had put before myself the choice between death and death.

I have so many friends that live here. They are choosing not between life and death (that God consistently puts before them), but between death and death (that they consistently put before themselves).

• Should I get even or be bitter?
• Should I lie or should I hide?
• Should I be violent verbally or physically?
• Should I give in or give up?
• Should I get drunk or high? (ever thought of staying engaged with reality?)
• Should I buy clothes I don’t need or electronics I don’t need? (I know lots of hungry people.)
• Should I divorce out of a loveless marriage or stay in a loveless marriage out of duty? (um…how about addressing the loveless thing…you know, by loving)
• Should I have meaningless sex or sex I convince myself is meaningful so I can have sex? (If sex is your end game, you’ll do one or the other, inside or outside of marriage)
• Should I be rebellious or religious? (Two self-defeating approaches to shame – one denies it, the other manages it)
• Should I vote Republican or Democrat? (I’m only kinda kidding here)

The decision that offers two bad choices never comes from God. We humans provide those for ourselves.

God gives us the choice the between death and life. There are exceptions, but most of the time, most people know the difference.

I mean, c’mon, take a look at the Ten Commandments. They don’t take spiritual super-powers to understand or agree with. Don’t steal. Don’t murder. Don’t sleep with someone else’s spouse. Don’t overwork yourself or those who are under your authority. Tell the truth. Honor your parents. Don’t revolve your life around worthless things. Love God. Represent God’s love well.

I think it was Francis Chan who pointed out to me that the Ten Commandments, contrary to popular belief, are not some super-high idealistic standards that are hard for human beings to measure up to. On the contrary, a person has to exert quite a bit of energy just to get underneath these standards. They are more a basic list of the minimum standards of being a decent human. Jerry Springer and Steve Wilkos are making a killing on TV showcasing the people who break these commands, presenting them almost as freak circus acts that don’t have a clue. And based on what? These (almost) universally accepted commandments.

Some recent shows:

• “DNA: It’s your baby!” – 7th commandment
• “I know you murdered my son.” – 6th commandment
• “My mom made me lie.” – 9th commandment
• “Steve, Lock up my daughter.” – 5th commandment
• “Sex and Drugs at 13” – 2nd commandment
• “My Teen Would Kill for the Klan” – 3rd & 6th commandment

I know these are dramatic examples, that seem so crystal clear, but that is only because they are on TV and being exposed through the simple “life” vs. “death” choices that they are. If Steve or Dr. Phil got a hold of you and your self-defeating choices, they would seem drastically crystal clear, too.

I guess here is my point: Before we make a choice, we choose what it is we will choose between. 

God could just as truthfully have said, “Here, I set before the the choice between choosing between death and death, or choosing between death and life.”

So many of us have chosen death from the start by being fooled into thinking our choices are between two death-producing ones.

LET US ADVANCE from choosing between two different flavors of death, to the choice of Deuteronomy 30:15 – between life (-giving things) and death (-producing things).

 AND THEN, when we stand at that much healthier crossroads, follow the advice of Deuteronomy 30:19 – choose life!

For those who make it that far, those few who choose life consistently and faithfully, there becomes available to them another set of choices.

The choice between life and life.

If and when you get there, my friends…where you must choose between a life-giving thing and a more life-giving thing, struggling to discern which is which…well, wow. Praise God. You will then have entered into the most glorious adventure of your life. And to make that choice, you will then need the instruction of Deuteronomy 30:20 – listen to His voice.

“The man who accepts that there are never only bad choices will always find a good one. The man who always chooses the good one will always find himself with more than one good one from which to choose. And the man who learns to hear from his heart which good choice is best for him, and in faith obeys, finds himself living in the midst of miracles. He is the man with the most abundant life, for he has found life in God.” – Yours Truly

I have a book that was published in 1789, the year George Washington was elected our first President, in Philidelphia. The guys who were responsible for it (Thomas Coke & Francis Asbury) had interactions with George Washington himself. It’s an old book, published in America only two years after the Constitution was published!

The first article in this book (which is a collection of writings, poetry, essays, hymns, letters, and sermons) is a sketch of the life of James Arminius, taken from an oration that was spoken at his funeral, which was another full 180 years before this book was published…in October of 1609. These are some old words, written and spoken on the same year that Galileo was introducing his first telescope!

Arminius is best known for his stand against what would come to be known as Calvinism (the idea that God’s sovereignty necessarily implies that all men are predestined/predetermined by Him to be either “saved” or not). He was so capable of standing opposed to this belief against numerous other great and respected minds that the view he took is now known as Arminianism (the idea that God’s grace is available to all, and each man has the free-will to accept or reject it).

Anyway, that is who he is, but that is not why I’m writing about him.

When I opened it, the last thing I expected to find written in this 221-year-old book were words written by a man 408-years older than me that so perfectly say what I want to be able to say.

They come from his will, upon which he added these words, as he laid on his deathbed…

“Above all, I commend my spirit to God, its faithful Creator and Saviour, before whom I have walked in my profession and calling, with a good conscience, in simplicity and sincerity. I call him to witness, that I have advanced nothing but what, after the most attentive consideration, I have deemed the sense of scripture: and that, in whatsoever I have advanced, I have had in view only to extend the knowledge of the religion of Christ Jesus, the worship of God, and the common holiness and peace of all.”

Arminius died when he was 49-years-old. I have 7 more years until I’m his age.

I hope I will be able to say what he said, with profound confidence, by then.

How about you? Can you say…

• That you have commended your spirit to God?
• That you have walked in your calling?
• That you have done so with a good conscience?
• That you have lived in simplicity and sincerity?
• That you have been most attentive to consider the “sense” of scripture?
• That you have advanced nothing but that?
• That you have as your goal the life of Christ and the worship of God?
• That you have as your goal the common holiness and peace of everyone?

I have some serious adjustments to make.