On Becoming Truer

When I was young, I decided to convert from my self-centered life to the religious life. Since then, I have been converting from the religious life to Christ’s way of life.

There is a difference. A huge one.

As I study the teachings of Jesus, for the life of me I can not find where he commands, recommends, or even suggests any religious ritual as the point of what he offers. Instead, he seems to go straight for the heart.

He offers a way of life.

He offers a character.

He offers a set of priorities.

He offers a mission.

And the common denominator between everything he offers is not “religious practices done a certain way” – but LOVE.

Last week, I took another look at his teachings in his famous “Sermon of the Mount” (found in Matthew 5-7) and asked God to summarize them as simply and concisely as possible through me. Here is what came.

Be humble. - Mt 5:3

Be compassionate. – Mt 5:4

Be self-controlled. - Mt 5:5

Desire rightness with God above all else. – Mt 5:6

Show mercy. – Mt 5:7

Exhibit purity. – Mt 5:8

Make peace. - Mt 5:9

Willingly suffer for the good and true. - Mt 5:10

Find the blessing in every circumstance. - Mt 5:11-12

Influence the world appropriately by being the right kind of person. – Mt 5:13-16

Use external religion and rules as aids in creating a life with God. – Mt 5:17-19

Do not let external religion and rules replace your life with God. – Mt 5:20

Be rid of any anger you carry. - Mt 5:21-22

Be as responsible as you can for any anger carried against you. - Mt 5:23-24

Handle difficulties with others relationally, not institutionally. – Mt 5:25-26

Do not indulge sex as recreation. – Mt 5:27-30

Do the work necessary to stay married. - Mt 5:31-32

Have composure enough to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’, and character enough to stick by it. – Mt 5:33-37

Exert your right to lay down your rights. - Mt 5:38-42

Forgive and love everyone your enemy, like God does His. - Mt 5:43-48

Rebel against being seen as noteworthy by people. – Mt 6:1

Be indifferent about who knows that you give to the needy. - Mt 6:2-4

Pray inwardly always, and let any outward words flow from there. - Mt 6:5-13

Show your favored position in God’s eyes by giving all others favored position in yours. - Mt 6:14-15

Get what your heart needs by valuing God’s view of you only. – Mt 6:16-18

Your felt need for the world’s treasure will steal your possession of the real treasure. - Mt 6:19-24

Be rid of any worry you carry. - Mt 6:25-34

Don’t judge. It destroys your life more than the object of your judgment. - Mt 7:1-5

Do not offer your wisdom to anyone who has not asked for it. – Mt 7:6

Take the posture of seeker and learner to be among the few who find God and God’s way. – Mt 7:7-14

Who you really are shows in the actions you perform, especially when no one but God sees you. - Mt 7:15-23

And then, he finishes with a pretty astounding promise – one that I’m using my life and energy to test.

Live life this way and you will be invulnerable to the troubles of life in every way that matters. - Mt 7:24-27

While all of “God’s people” before (the Jews) and after (the church) him try to contain the Jesus way of life in a certain set of outward worship practices, sometimes self-righteously arguing, dividing, and even warring about them, Jesus goes underneath all of that to the point of it all.

How about this: as Christians, let’s all master the above way of life, which comes straight from the mouth of Jesus, and once that is done, THEN we can discuss what we think about the less important worship practices that would best help folks create, sustain, and share this life found in Christ.

Whattyathink?

“When doubts come, and they will, beware of taking them too seriously.” – Your Truly

Doubt is probably not usually listed as one of your primary villains in life, but it should be. This little demon is so subtle that I don’t even know what to categorize it as. A feeling? A thought? An instinct?

Is it emotional or rational? Be careful answering too quickly. I’ve seen it come initially as an emotion, and then quickly rationalized in order to justify feeling it. And I’ve seen it come initially through a logical thought process, only to be defended quite emotionally when challenged with more logic.

Have you heard of homeostasis? It is something in your brain and body that is constantly at work to keep things the way they are. I sometimes wonder if doubt is as much physical as anything else.

Whatever it is, it is potentially insidious, and is certainly responsible for gazillions of hours of people’s attention every single day.

People have a love-hate relationship with doubt, too, so it is very difficult to want it to just go away forever. Add to that the legitimate role that doubt can play in life when properly utilized and you have the perfect backdrop for a conspiracy to sabotage the potential of your life and freeze you in your tracks (at least in any meaningful way).

Here are some of the spirit-killing ways in which doubt merges with otherwise good people:

• The Incessant Doubter – This person has the finely tuned gift of locating the unarguably significant obstacle in any idea, disguising his desire for the status quo under a cloak of “wisdom”.
• The Last-Minute Doubter – This person likes to see themselves as fearless and bold, and will go through all the motions that lead up to the daring leap of faith, but at the last minute, can not go through with it because of some glaring issue that “only just came clear”.
• The Doubting Dead – This person has become so assaulted by the inevitable doubts that arise with any plan whatsoever, that they have decided to avoid it’s dark discouragement by never doing anything of significant risk again. These doubters are invisible, since they need not lodge their doubts about anything they might do, because they are not doing anything.
• The Selective Doubter – This person only mentions the doubts they have concerning other people’s plans or ideas that they themselves are uncomfortable with, or just too ego-driven to let any major course of action be anyone’s idea but their own.
• The Self-Doubter – This person, under the guise of humility, spends far too much time looking for every possible reason to convict themselves of some impure motive, some disqualifying characteristic or past mistake, and gets frozen from action in the name of being “self-aware”.
• The “Honest” Doubter – This person never wants to be seen as the reason that a plan, his own or someone else’s, is not pursued. So when he is the reason, he puts forth doubts as deal-breakers, and hides behind some form of the words, “I’m just sayin…”. They are never just sayin…

Can you think of others?

We have to master doubt. Doubt should be something that we use to refine plans, it should not use us to stop us from our plans.

You can spot the person who knows how to do this by how they present their doubts. Two different people can say the same words (“You know, I think that Jim Bob is going to have a tough time signing on to that,” or “Wow, that is going to cost a lot of money we don’t have”), and one means it as an end to the conversation, and the other means it as a legitimate obstacle that needs some conversation, brainstorming, idea-producing, and action.

It’s all in the tone of voice, and that tone comes from the intent in your spirit, and that spirit comes from your ability to be a “believer” or not, and that belief is proven genuine by your faith, and your faith is not real unless it results in bold action, and that action is impossible without confronting and mastering doubt.

It seems to me that Jesus didn’t take people’s doubt too seriously. He wants us to consider the validity of it’s source (Mt 4:31), and he suggests that it’s a troubling and unnecessary nuisance (Lk 24:28), and even challenges us to be like the ones who have overcome it (John 20:27-29).

But he never, ever made it a condition of followership. Even after he was resurrected from the dead, and he was meeting with his closest and most committed allies, scripture notes that these who had least reason to, doubted (Mt 28:17).

Jesus doesn’t even address it, rather he immediately pronounces onto these doubting disciples the most important commission that can be pronounced on anyone (Mt 28:18-20), and they ended up being world changers whose mission is still on the move today.

Beware of taking your doubts too seriously. 

“Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet.” – Jesus

Two weeks ago, I was out at beautiful Lake Tanglewood to do a wedding. I had a little down time, so I sat down and read a blog post of someone’s on my smart phone.

This post was full of profound point after profound point. I came across a monumentally significant and timely thought that has the potential of not only transforming my life for good, but was witty and universal enough to be useful for just about everyone I ever get into spiritual conversation with.

Want me to tell you what it was?

I wish I could. I’ve forgotten it.

This happens to me all the time. I don’t know exactly what to credit it to, but I have a rich life of getting to hear and have thoughts like this all of the time. I think it is fair to say that my life is saturated with them.

• I spend a lot of time in the Bible, for instance, most especially prioritizing Jesus.
• Additionally, I have stacks of books that I invest in, recommendations from folks who’s lives have earned my admiration. And these people are legion, so I have many books they say helped make them admirable.
• I get profound, life-changing wisdom in my inbox every single day, so much that if I read them all, I would have time for little else (and these are the ones I signed up for and have proven themselves worthwhile, let alone all the others that come uninvited, equally worthy, I’m sure, but I just don’t read or watch unless I’m so overwhelmed that I do it just to feel like I accomplished something).
• On top of this, I am in some thickly rich relationships with several small groups (a men’s group, a couples/family group, our church staff, our church’s elders and ministers) that have AS THEIR POINT the idea that we need to saturate ourselves in the wisdom of God and in each other’s lives in a way that we connect the two.
• I go to a movie almost every week on date night with my wife, and we have honed our skill at picking movies with profound meaning (and then finding meaning in them even when they don’t)
• This doesn’t even count my wife (who has a few small groups of her own), and my kids (who are teaching me every day if I will pay attention).

Pearls! Pearls! Pearls! I’m drowning in them.

But I have forgotten and lost (hear: “trampled on”) more great pearls than I will ever remember, and let’s save me from humiliation by not mentioning how few I have effectively incorporated into my being and lived out.

It makes me sick to think about it.

Back to Lake Tanglewood: when I read the profound, timely, and life-changing thought, I remember looking up at the Lake below me, and at a spot down there right by it that looked both accessible and comfortable (not to mention beautiful), and I thought, “I should go down there right now and just dwell on this sentence. I should visualize how it has and can be expressed, and use my imagination to script a fairy-tale future for myself that incorporated and utilized it’s wisdom. I should do that right now…or I’ll forget it.”

I did not choose the former. And sure enough, it is forgotten.

With all my might, let me discourage you from doing that.

I’m all about being a life-long leaner and stuff, but instead of filling your mind with 100’s of great thoughts, hoping that “something good will happen” by letting them pass through like wind does a screen door, pick one. Take it home, or out to a beautiful place, and dwell on it. Give it all over your creative energy…every last drop…and let it transform from a wise saying to an new action or “way” in you.

This will change you, and the world, more than all the great thoughts and books and quotes and readings and scriptures that pass through your minds all put together.

Ironically, an email from a friend of mine in Houston intrigued me enough to watch this 3 minute video, and it is the perfect example of what I mean.

Johnny was no pig. He took the pearl like no one else, and he changed himself and the world.

Please! Pick a pearl!

I went and saw the movie “Moneyball” last night with Carrie, and it was long, interesting, and good. I wasn’t blown out of my seat or anything, at least not at first, it was just enjoyable.

• I liked the portrayal of Billy Beane – his courage, his inclination to think out of the box, his fatherhood, and his belief in and obsessive focus on winning a baseball championship with the limited resources available to him
• I liked his unlikely 2nd man, Peter Brand (who reminded me a bit of Mall Cop, both in name and demeanor), and his unique gift set contributing in a powerful way to the whole organization
• I liked the baseball in the movie, but I really liked the subject of the movie that was shamelessly using baseball to express itself…

What subject?

Fundamental, DNA-level, hard-and-costly-but-potentially-revolutionary, wholesale change.

This movie is not for sports fans (although they will like it), it is for anyone who has ever dreamed of taking on a system that needs to be improved.

There was one scene that awoke something inside my heart that, unbeknownst to me, has needed some cattle-prodding for a while now.

It was at a point where Beane, in implementing a brand new system of how to field a baseball team, finally experienced some success. The Oakland A’s won a record-breaking 20 games in a row. They made history. But Beane, as he surveyed whether this milestone really mattered or not, told his buddy Peter, “Unless we win the last game of the season, everyone in baseball will write us off as a fluke. A romantic experiment that can have some momentary and significant success, but that ultimately is not sustainable and will fail.” (not an exact quote)

He said, “But if we win, then we will have fundamentally changed baseball and made it better. Now that would matter.”

My heart jumped into my throat with excitement, and I was borderline on the verge of tears. I had found myself in the heart of this movie…and I was reminded of how nice it is to feel so…explained.

Beane didn’t merely want a cool record for the record books. He wanted to win. Winning, in baseball, is defined as coming out on top of the MLB Championship game. But even that, at this point, would not be enough… Beane wanted to win the MLB Championship game while utilizing a new, better system.

This explains my heart for the church.

I grew up in a church system that steadfastly believed that regular church attendance, increasing Bible knowledge, and unified agreement on how we should worship on Sundays would produce the “win.” And the definition of a win was clear – it was posted on the bottom of a number-tallying bulletin board in the hallway by the exit door: “Weekly Sunday Attendance Goal: 1000!”

If we had 1000 people attending on Sundays, people who came regularly, were increasing in Bible knowledge, and worshipped in the way we thought was right we would have considered that winning the MLB Championship. Of course, and rightly so, we would not have stopped there – just like a MLB team wouldn’t quit playing just because they won a pennant – but it still would have been significant. It would have mattered to us.

But that doesn’t matter to me. As a matter of fact, I’m trying to do my part as a “General Manager” of a little “ball-club” in Amarillo, TX to show the world that there is a better way, a better system, a truer one, one that is both more effective and closer to the intent and heart of God.

What’s the better system I’d like to see us implement with our team? Relationships. Intimate, brotherly, sisterly, authentic, and Christ-centered relationships with God and others.

While I’m way more comfortable categorizing a “win” with the admittedly ambiguous words “Kingdom growth,” I certainly would not be discouraged if we starting having 1000 people in our pews on Sunday mornings each week. But I do not merely want 1000 people in the pews…I want 1000 people in the pews because of, and because they want to help co-create, our new, better, truer system.

At one point in the movie, young Peter was scared. He felt like Beane was living out the vision of the new system a little too purely, in a way and at a pace that was going to be too hard to explain or defend to the baseball establishment. He knew that if they implemented the vision too zealously, they could lose their jobs. Beane, on the other hand, knew that if they implemented the vision partially, the system-schizophrenic team would lose their games, and then they most certainly would lose their jobs. He knew that even if they by some fluke won, the establishment would point to all the things that remained of the old system (along with a little bit of pure baseball “magic”) as the reason for their success.

Beane, in the face of Peter’s fear and tentativeness, said definitively that he was going to see this through…all the way. Then he provocatively asked Peter, in a “be-careful-what-you-say-next-because-I’ll-expect-you-to act-like-its-true” sort of way,  “Do you believe in this system or not?”

“Yes. I do. Totally,” was his slow, methodical, fully-owning it reply.

Enough said. Because of this pair’s resolve, the plot of the movie could go on.

I felt like Beane was talking to me. Do I believe in this new system, this truer way of being God’s church? Do I believe that this matters, or not?

Yes. I do. Totally.

So, I too can go on. Praise God.

It’s an important question. Even the usually-resolved Beane found himself asking, at one point in the movie, while driving alone in his pickup contemplating, “What. Am. I . Doing.”

What I am doing is making disciples of Jesus Christ through loving, spiritual friendships. And I’m asking our church family to organize itself in a new way, within a new system, so that they can do the same.

I’m seeing some amazing milestones, some truly incredible fruit from our church’s intentional transition from the old faithful ways to these new and equally faithful ways. But I don’t want to be satisfied until we win the proverbial “last game of the season”.

I want to be able to look at our church family and see everyone in it actively and obviously living their whole life for God’s glory, obviously and willingly becoming more and more like Christ, and offering themselves as spiritual friends to all the hurting people in this city who need the relief and abundant life that Christ offers.

One more parallel from the movie: At the end, Beane is called by the Boston Red Sox and offered more money than any sports manager had ever been offered if he would just come there to implement his new system. He would have willing bosses, willing co-workers, and willing participants, and more money to implement it than Oakland had.

But he didn’t go. Why? “Because I want to do it here,” Beane said, while sitting in the Oakland locker room.

This captures the heart behind why, when given the chance, I decided against both planting a church or leaving the Church of Christ (and this is not to be mistaken as a condemnation of either). God knows that what we are doing here at Southwest, while rare, is not unique to us. There are church plants that begin with nothing but like-minded people, sparing their home churches the pain of transition, and themselves the discouragements of meeting resistance. And there are other denominations that are years, if not decades, ahead of us on this journey that I could potentially partner with.

But I want to do it here. The Church of Christ people are my people. They have loved me. They have raised me. They have tolerated me. They have survived me. They have enabled me. They have taught me. They have not been perfect, any more than I have. But they…they are mine. And I am theirs.

The Red Sox went on to win the MLB World Series two years later, without Beane, but with his new system. I don’t think this discouraged him. As a matter of fact, their success with the same system in Boston probably fueled his commitment to working towards it in Oakland.

And he still is.

And so am I. I don’t want to go somewhere were it might be easier to make disciples through relationships. I want to do it here.

“Thomas, one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, ‘We have seen the Lord!’ But he said to them, ‘Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it.’ A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, ‘Peace be with you!’  Then he said to Thomas, ‘Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.’ Thomas said to him, ‘My Lord and my God!’ Then Jesus told him, ‘Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.’” – John 20: 24-29

The claim was nothing short of unbelievable. Jesus said he would die and then rise to life. And now his buddies tell him that, sure enough, they had seen Jesus die and then rise to life.

Thomas wasn’t buying it.

Why would he? It’s a ridiculous, unrealistic thought. Honestly, I really respect Thomas. His realism didn’t make him a 2nd class follower of Christ. He was the whole package!

• He left everything to follow Jesus (Mk 10:28). Can I say I’ve done that?
• He had internally resolved that following Jesus was worth dying for, and led the others in this view (Jn 11:16). Have you?
• And in the quote above, once Jesus did address him in his rational skepticism, he went further than any of the other guys did by declaring Jesus to be nothing less than God Himself.

Have I made Jesus, God?

Pause. Let me clarify. Or elaborate. Or whatever it is I’m doing here.

If making Jesus my God means that I revolve my life around him, my thoughts around him, my behavior around him…then yes.

If making Jesus my God means that I go to him for guidance, answers, and even life…then yes.

If making Jesus my God means that I strive to obey what he teaches, do what he does, and become more like him in character, mission, and priorities…then yes.

My question today, however, is…have I made the RESURRECTED Jesus my God?

Thomas had done all those things I listed above, too. He believed in Jesus who lived and died and represented God. He didn’t argue or leave his apprenticeship with him when Jesus said he was God (Jn 14:8-9). It was the resurrected Jesus he doubted.

And it matters…at least to me. And it comes down to this:

I can’t believe in the resurrected Jesus without believing that miracles can happen.

What I have come to recognize is that I can follow Jesus “as God” in two different ways, and few if any would ever notice but me.

Option 1: I can follow the good, holy, serving, compassionate, confronting, challenging, and “gave-his-life-for-my-sin” Jesus as God. This will save my soul (I think), make me an activist for the poor and hurting (most of the time, at least), cause me to worship regularly out of awe and gratitude (with others and in my heart), stand up for truth (even as I’m continuing to learn it), and share Christ with others.

The problem with option 1 Jesus as God? I would not believe that miraculous new life on Earth would be possible.

Option 2 is what I need. I’m after nothing short of world-change for people’s hearts and lives (including mine). Not current world-adjustment. Not current world-improvement. Not current world-tweaking.

The world-change I’m after for people is world-resurrection. Which means a death must occur. And who in their right mind would recommend death to someone as a solution?

The answer? Only those who believe in the resurrection.

Believing in the resurrected Jesus as God makes me a believer in the potential death and resurrection of every person (including me) I meet. So I look at them differently. They can feel it. And when I start being convinced by them that their situations have hopelessly trapped them into being who it is they currently are, and this sadly DOES happen to me sometimes, I can literally feel my disbelief in the potential for that person to have and enjoy a brand new life.

And something dies in me when this happens. Something dies, and the best I can offer them is some money, or a prayer, or my compassionate presence, or a ride, or a meal, or a comforting focus on the suffering of Christ for their sins, and the promise of a better life in Heaven after this sucky life is over.

But not hope.

At least, not hope for the abundant life (that Jesus said he came to give) now. There is no chance for them to enjoy the Kingdom of peace, joy, and righteousness now. Not when I only make an unresurrected Jesus God.

I guess technically, I belong to the camp Jesus referred to as “those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

But I feel more like Thomas than one would expect; like I have personally and proverbially put my own hands in the side of Jesus. I have seen the wounds on his hands that killed him. And yet there he is. Alive. New. And with him, the whole world changed for me. No old self, dead, with all of it’s curses, and my new self alive and kickin!

I, like Thomas, can now say to the resurrected Jesus… my Lord and my God!

I know it has been a LONG time since I’ve posted. For those who have missed it, I apologize.

For the rest of you, I hope you have enjoyed the break.

And even now, I’m using my blog as a shameless promotion tool of some more old books I have for sale on eBay… for you or for you to forward to those who might have an interest.

I’m beginning to save up for my Daddy-Daughter trip to the Philippines next summer on a mission trip (yes, like the one I took with Shade this past summer and that I haven’t written to you about), that may turn into an all-family mission trip, so I need to start raising funds early.

Check out the books here.

Included:

• 2 Church of Christ/Restoration Movement treasures: An 1960s ACU Lectureship book, and a 1970s Jimmy Allen book.
• A religious book written by American politician William Jennings Bryan.
• A rare and old book from the 1600s (yes, it is even in English, published in London)…this one is very cool, you won’t regret checking it out (but it will cost you to own it!)

Thanks to all of you who regularly support me in these crazy adventures of mine.

“We Christians are such rookies at knowing how to love as Christ loved, that we must come up with complicated plans to do what Christ did.” – Yours Truly

I just finished a three week sabbatical – a break from my normal duties with, for, and among the church family that I am a part of. I’ve been being with, looking for, and listening to God each day. I’ve done this in special environments (with a mentor, in silence and solitude, reading books) and in my natural ones (with my family, my friends, in my busy house, running errands).

And this morning, in my regular morning routine, getting ready to enter back into my normal duties, I heard with crystal clarity His voice commissioning me (once again) with my current assignment:

“When I send people to you, you are to love them, ask them questions, and tell them stories. When I send ideas to you, you are to listen to them, contemplate them, and share them.”

Wow. What priceless simplicity. What an uncomplicated assignment.

What a precious answer from my Father who I am always asking with such urgency, “How do you want me to go about loving you and loving others in a way that makes disciples of Jesus?”

And I guess therein lies the problem. It is so simple. Surely it can’t be so simple?

I have spent much of my life longing for a simple life with God and people. Over and over God has said, “Certainly!” and given the same instructions to me in one form or another (the above being His latest effort). And what do I do?

I end up saying, “Certainly not!”

“It can’t be that simple!” I think. “It can’t be that narrow!” I argue. “It can’t all be fit into those few words of commission!” I surmise.

Why not, you may ask? Well…it’s complicated.

Only it’s not.

By hiding behind the mystery of how “complicated” we think loving God and people is, we hide from the simple assignment God is trying to give each one of us. And it stems from some deep down, in-bred, hard-to-escape lie that tells us that we must do more than we must do, or be somewhere other than where we are, or attain a life beyond what we’ve been given.

Enough.

If you get sent to me, what you can expect from me, no more and no less, is my faithfulness to my assignment from God. I will love you. I will ask questions. And I will tell stories.

And if an idea comes to me (like this one that you are reading now), I will listen to it, contemplate it, and share it.

If I do less, then I’m being an unfaithful son, and I will be unsatisfied, anxious, and defensive.

If I do more, then I’m playing God, and I will be tired, overspent, and resentful.

But if I do what I’m told…I will play the peace-making role that God has for me. It’s a minor part in the story of God, but it is mine, and that God, my Father, has given me one is the honor and identity of my life.

The way my brother Jesus said it was, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.”

I’m sitting in a simple but comfortable room perched on a hillside just North of Pecos, NM at a Benedictine Monastery. A monk name Brother Todd, whom I have yet to meet in person, sent me an email Thursday, responding with a “yes” to my question of “I know it is unlikely, but do you have any space available for a soul longing for silence and solitude this weekend?”

So here I sit in silence and solitude, with the exception of mealtime, where the monastic community and its guests all eat together in silence.

I resolved to speak only when spoken to, but even so, I have been spoken to by several. Linda, who works here, and Edgar, a seminarian stationed here temporarily, who kindly greeted me upon my arrival and showed me to my hermitage. A sweet and very talkative woman (who couldn’t resist speaking to a young lady next to her even during dinner) engaged with me as I finished eating and was making my way back to my cove. Jose, who along with his wife, has been here for a week taking an iconography class, and is staying next week for a stained glass course, offered to show me around. That is to name a few.

Without asking them to know for sure, I found myself formulating the reasons that may have brought them to a monastery. I think Linda is a devoted Catholic and eager to serve in Catholic institutional ways. Edgar was assigned to live here this last year before he graduates, I believe. I think the talkative woman is looking for someone who will listen to her, really listen to her, beyond her words (of which there are many). I think Jose, who lives in Maryland, but used to live in Santa Fe, really wants to support this Monastery, which has threatened to close it’s doors if it can not come up with ways to keep from losing money.

I can only guess, really, as to what brings any of these others here.

But I know why I came. I came to see God.

Now, did I have to drive the 4 hours from my home to do this? Do I think there is some special measure of God’s presence here vs. there? Did the ascent from about 3,600 feet above sea level in Amarillo the 7,000 feet of Pecos somehow bring me closer to Him?

Of course not.

But what I did need, and desperately so, was to exit stage left from the noise and normalcy of my life (as blessed and saturated with God-stuff as it is) in order to narrow my focus onto only one goal, tune my ears into only one frequency, fill my mind with only one thought, leverage my energies for only one project, and pour my whole self into only one relationship. Put simply, I came here to obey with unusual fervor part 1 of the Greatest Command, to love God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength.

And I have.

As I come upon the midway point of expressing this single-minded affection towards God in this unique way, I can see clearly how far I have left this practice in the midst of my normal ways. I needed this departure from the people and circumstances in my life, who were (by no fault of their own) distracting me from seeing God, so that I can return to those people and circumstances in my life, and once again see God in (and through, and behind, and over) them.

The power of this is to once again embrace that I don’t need the people or circumstances in my life to change at all in order to see God in them.

The key is purity within me. My understanding is that when the Bible uses the word purity, it is not talking about sinlessness, but single-mindedness, or singleness of motive in the heart.

Singular devotion to God and God alone.

So, when one desires nothing more (or less) than God… when that affection for Him has no equal and no competitor… then one is operating in purity of heart.

And Jesus makes a promise to us about it: “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.”

Come on up out of the mediocrity of your lives, people, and hear some of the most helpful, bold, and exciting words that Christ ever uttered. With these words, Jesus promises something that God Himself said no man could do and live (Ex 33:20)! And yet here we are, our deepest souls testifying that no man can do without it and live.

Evidently, there is one type of human being that can see God and live…the pure in heart.

Well then…create in me a pure heart, oh God, that I may see You.

“If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.” – CS Lewis

I am blessed and cursed with a very powerful sense of longing. I’ve never found the words to describe it adequately, which is part of the blessing and curse. While generally being the kind of guy who is more likely to use or indulge such non-stop, all-consuming hunger as motivation for some kind of action (be it noble or not), I have also strategically tried to escape its incessant hold on me…

By denying it.

By avoiding it.

By medicating it.

By pushing it down.

By judging it as impractical.

By acting as if it was satisfied.

By pretending it was not there.

By trying to delegate it to others.

But no matter what, I’ve never been able to suppress this thirst. It has been a constant companion. In my youth (past) and immaturity (still present), it has compelled me to do some incredibly unwise, even crazy, and sometimes outright stupid things. I have no regrets in this regard, mind you, for looking back, those things served as a litany of experiments and tests. They have cost me, but they have also enlivened and grounded me, authenticating that this longing in me is real and indestructible.

As I’ve grown older, slower, and more easily tired, I’m so grateful for this relentlessness. It serves as an old friend, one that I depend on as motivation for my worthiest endeavors and achievements.

What is this longing I speak of? As I said, I can’t nail down into one set of words, but that is not to say that I haven’t used some to try.

I long to matter.

I long for love and to love.

I long to see. I long to know.

I long for peace. I long for joy.

I long for healing and to heal.

I long to give. I long to receive.

I long for truth. I long for grace.

I long to experience. I long to risk.

I long for justice. I long for forgiveness.

I long for relationship. I long for reconciliation.

I long for good. I long for great. I long for perfect.

I long for victory. I long for redemption. I long for glory.

I long for a plan. I long for spontaneity. I long for adventure.

I long to be righted. I long for things to be righted. I long to participate in righting.

I long for life…to the fullest extent that it is available to a human being…that is what I long for.

Writing this list of words is quite unsatisfying. None of them, not even all of them, can capture this longing. It is at times subtle, at others obvious. It is sometimes overt, sometimes covert, but always subverts everything.

Certain thoughts, sights, and experiences seem to flare it up…

When I see the hungry. The thirsty. The oppressed.

When I see tears of hurt, anger, despair, or loneliness.

When violence breaks out, in thought, word, or deed.

When someone hurts someone, be it themselves or others.

When injuries happen. When sickness comes. When tragedy hits.

When lies are told. When masks are utilized. When hypocrisy is practiced.

When suspicion is called for. When skepticism pays off. When pessimism results.

And especially death. The death of anything, really, so long as it qualifies as “good”. A dream. A childhood. An innocence. An animal. A relationship. An idea. A motivation. An enthusiasm or spirit. A marriage. A person.

This longing…this hunger…this thirst… it simultaneously must be and can’t be satisfied!

It makes me walk through pain for the joy on the other side, and long for more.

It makes me call my dad and settle things between us, and long for more.

It makes me engage fully with my wife, and long for more.

It makes me present with my kids, and long for more.

It leads me to friends of depth, and long for more.

It drives me to give, and long to give more.

Ultimately, it makes me start movements that have no end, not projects that get done. And they are investments that demand as much or more than they will ever seem to payoff. It puts me smack dab in the middle of “problems” that are over the top, over my head, and overwhelming, while I get to feel under qualified, under resourced, and under the weight of it all. It gets me involved in issues that are so big, they will never, ever be solved…the work will never be finished.

Why do it then? Well, because…I long for it. I must. I guess the best answer would come by comparing the longing to an addiction. Not an unhealthy, self-defeating, chosen addiction like alcohol or drugs or workaholism…but a healthy, necessary addiction, like food or water or sleep.

Something in me knows that I’m contributing to something very worthwhile and satisfying now, and something that will be ultimately solved and satisfied later.

The way Jesus said it was, “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.”

I’m in a Texas airport having gotten off of one plane from Amarillo about to get onto another one to Houston.

I kissed my wife and kids goodbye this morning. While I’m excited about the nature of my trip, I’m sad that I ever have to tell my wife and kids goodbye. And even with the anticipated sweetness that will come (Lord willing) with our reunion, I’m sad that I will do so many more times in my life.

I’m sad that I have a very good friend in Houston who has recently and suddenly discovered melanoma cancer in her brain, and the family is now talking to hospice.

I’m sad my country recently conducted a retaliatory hit on Osama Bin Laden, murdering him for having murdered 1000s of my countrymen, for which I am also very sad. I remember watching in stunned silence back in 2001 the TV images of people in the streets of middle eastern countries celebrating OBL’s hit on the Twin Towers, and then in 2011 watching Americans celebrate the hit on OBL. Those make me sad, too.

Many things make me sad.

I’m sad about the mistakes I’ve made.

I’m sad that I have hurt other people. I’m sad that others have hurt me. I’m sad that others hurt others. 

I’m sad about my inability to do what I say I want.

I’m sad that our bodies wear out. I’m sad there is emotional pain in people. I’m sad that mental and physical disabilities are suffered.

I’m sad that there are hungry people.

I’m sad that there is evil. I’m sad when people do evil and get away with it. I’m sad when people who do evil get what’s coming to them. I am sad when someone can’t defend themselves. I’m sad when someone has to.

I’m sad there is sickness.

I’m sad there is war. I’m sad there is politics. I’m sad there are quarrels. I’m sad there is violence.

I’m sad there is poverty.

I’m sad there is inequality. I’m sad when equality is forced or coerced. I’m sad there is lack of compassion.

I’m sad there is oppression.

I’m sad there is divorce. I’m sad there are hasty marriages. I’m sad there are children who are relationally orphaned by both.

I’m sad about sexual abuse. I’m sad about homosexuality. I’m sad about prostitution. I’m sad about pornography. I’m sad about gender confusion. I’m sad about the fear and hatred expressed towards it all.

Obviously, lots of things make me sad. But one thing that I am NOT sad about is that there is sadness.

Sadness seems like a very unique, very special, very appropriate emotional response to just about anything that would cause any negative thoughts, feelings or actions. Sadness, seems to me, is the most (or only) productive of what we might call “negative” emotions.

Sadness is my escape from the “control emotions” of guilt, anger, and worry.

Guilt comes to me when I can’t control the past.

Anger comes to me when I can’t control the present.

Worry comes to me when I can’t control the future.

These come when I feel like something is “wrong” and I can’t do anything about it. They are all unproductive. They steal my light and love and life. They all lead (in one way or another) to death.

Sadness, on the other hand, while intense at times, is merely the acknowledgement that all is not as it should be. Sadness happens when you believe that things should be better than they are, when you admit that they aren’t, and when you refuse to hide behind the control emotions.

And you might as well let go of control since you don’t have it anyway. After all, guilt leads to despair, anger leads to violence, and anxiety leads to either denial or panic. Sadness, however, is the only emotional response to bad things doesn’t lead to other things that create and inspire more sadness.

Sadness can only end with the arrival of comfort. Given the alternatives, sadness is a very appropriate, and even good, thing.

Trust sadness. Don’t solve sadness. Stay in sadness. Take it with you when it comes. Do not shortchange sadness. Do not replace sadness.

Practice sadness.

For those who do, it comes with a promise from Jesus, who said it like this: “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”