Full of Names

14 March 2007
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“As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” – Jesus

“You yourselves have been taught by God to love each other. In fact, you do love… Yet we urge you, brothers, to do so more and more.” – Jesus’ disciple, Paul
“Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart.” – Jesus’ disciple, Peter

“We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers.” – Jesus’ disciple, John
 
“Offering courageous and intimate love to another person is the only thing that has ever, ever worked in any of my disciple-making efforts. And it is the only thing that has ever, ever hurt.” – Jesus’ disciple, Brian
 
There is an email that I have been writing in my draft box that brings tears to my eyes.
 
It is full of names.
 
They are the names of people that I am attempting to have at least some level of intimate, loving, mutually serving, ultimately transforming relationship with.
 
It is a list that is full of emotion for me. Uncensored words that attempt a description of such emotion would include longing, closeness, leaven, endearment, hurt, disappointment, regret, care, too many, too much, not enough time, inadequate, fear, loss, potential, “if only I did more”, laughter, awe, difficulty, conflict, woundedness, gratitude, acceptance, unconditional, affirmation, guilt, duty, joy, falling short, over shooting, expecting too much, despair, belief, quitting, apathy, giving up, re-engaging, spread too thin, mistakes, breakthroughs, speechlessness, secrets, confession, truth, freedom…Christ.
 
I have a weakness for people. It compels me to want to be with them, to hear their hearts, to see their worlds, to understand their perspectives, to give them mine in some hope that it can make a meaningful difference in their lives. It also compels me to want to avoid them, to avoid their hearts, to ignore their worlds, to judge their perspectives, and give them mine in some impersonal, matter-of-fact way in some hope that it will deflect them from inconveniencing me with the mess of their lives. And this puts me face to face with myself and my God, smack dab in the middle of the “every-single-moment” battle of deciding who I am gonna be.
 
In short, it gives me life.
 
I haven’t started this other email, but there is another one that would be much longer that lists the names of people who I have had (in the past, as opposed to currently) some level of intimate, loving, mutually serving, ultimately transforming relationship with.
 
It is a list that is full of even more emotion for me. Especially when I see them again, or run into them, or get to catch up a bit. It’s almost like time-warping back and meeting my younger self when I interact with (or just remember) someone who was known and loved by my younger self. The uncensored word list would include all the words above with maybe 4 times the the intensity. I don’t know why the past names drum up more intensity, I only know that it is so.
 
There is a third one that I can’t write, but it exists nonetheless. I don’t even know the people yet who would be on an email listing the names of those who I am about to meet in the future who I will have some level of intimate, loving, mutually serving, ultimately transforming relationship with. So while there is not emotion welling up for these unknown people, the emotion wells up by the thought of the sheer amount of them coming.
 
Add to that, that I have forgotten more people’s names than I have remembered, and I have remembered hundreds. When you are weak to people, there are a whole lot of people to love. And the less biased/prejudiced you are about who you will love, the larger the pool of people around you that you are weak to. And the deeper you go in any one of them, the more you realize just how much they (and you) needed someone to “go there” with them, and how important it is that they never are abandoned or betrayed. And the follow up that any one of them might need from the person who “loved them there” is potentially endless.
 
It is immense. 
 
Not to mention the fact that my love for people gets me into a whole lot of trouble. I am constantly asking people to trust me (which seems to be something most struggle with), and I am constantly trusting people and by doing so, asking them to be trustworthy (which is also something most struggle to be). And since this kind of relational capacity with people seems to represent a persons relational capacity with God, I am always asking them to trust others (which puts these that “struggle to trust” with those people who “struggle to be trustworthy”).
 
It gets me into a whole lot of trouble.
 
I think it would easier if I would chill out on this intimate community thing. My days would be more predictable. My life would be more manageable. My nights would be less interruptible. My production (on things more measurable) would be more efficient. My hands would look a lot cleaner, my shirt would be less bloody, my mind would have fewer names, my lunches and coffees spent with fewer people more often. My email wouldn’t take so long, my phone wouldn’t ring so much, my home and office doors wouldn’t swing so much, and my heart wouldn’t either. I think it would be easier if I would chill out…”man up” on this weakness for people thing.
 
And if I could think of any other “less messy, less death-defying” way to make disciples of Jesus Christ, I would. But I haven’t found one. See, the fact is that this is not really a “weakness” for people, it’s a “priority” of people. And discipleship is always about transformation of people. And transformation of people requires loving people in the deep waters of their hearts. And that kind of scuba-diving adventure, should you decide to accept it, comes with some “water pressure”. It’s just part of it. And not quite as un-navigatable as you might think.
 
So I love people. And my love for people is right and good. I don’t always love them right and best, but my love for them is right and good. I don’t always prioritize those people just right or perfectly, but my priority for people is right and good.
 
Even the trouble it gets me into I love. Sharing in life with those God puts in my path gives me feelings, even when it is painful, that reminds me I’m alive. I have company at every turn. Offering spiritual friendship is all I want to do and it is all that has ever, ever worked to make my life look like anything at all resembling the word “good”.
 
And those lists of names, and my unattainable desire to love them all in some direct, interpersonal, and intimate way that shows them what God is like, and what He thinks of them, and that He offers them the best possible way to live, and that it will last for eternity, and that it will never stop getting better…wow…I love it. I love that it is my desire, and I love that it is unattainable. I don’t know why I love it, I just know that it is so.
 
And I live this way quite intentionally and crystal clear that I will get better and better at it, and will help others do the same, and that my longing to be in intimate community with every single person that I ever meet, because I love them so, will be satisfied…
 
…in Heaven.
 
As a matter of fact, that is my description of Heaven. Perfect loving relationship with God and everyone, and e everything, with an eternity to express it and enjoy it, and never exhausting how close and how much love we can feel and express…doubling it daily, maybe hourly, forever and ever. World without end. Amen.
 
 
 
 
 
 

I needed him to say it 22 times

8 March 2007
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“How long will you lie there, you sluggard? When will you get up from your sleep? A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest — and poverty will come on you like a bandit and scarcity like an armed man.” – King David

It has been a long, long time since I’ve had one of my middle-of-the night wake up calls from God. But I had one last night.
 
It was 3:30am, and there I was wide awake. It is a very unusual experience for me to wake up in the middle of the night. Every time, when I assume it is from God, and am faithful in getting up, going to my prayer room and either opening my Bible, sitting in contemplative silence, or journaling to one of my kids, or some similar quiet exercise…I am surprised by some Word from God that is personal, timely, exciting, comforting,and or directing.
 
As I lied awake in bed, feeling that familiar feeling, I expended the energy to remember some of those times.
 
Like the time when I was struggling with my “public speaking” ministry. I was avoiding “speaking engagements” as much as was possible without being outright and obviously neglectful of my youth ministry in Houston. In addition to the normal speaking expectations and necessities involved in being a youth minister, I was sitting in the tension of being invited to speak abroad (which stroked my ego) and wanting to be humble (which was the spiritual way of saying ‘no’…when what I was really afraid of was “failing”, which would’ve crushed my ego). Years of this being semi-navigatable climaxed with a few months of intensity due to the increased frequency of saying “no”, moving me to really needing a specific word from God to trust and obey, regardless of the cost or consequence to my self (and self-image), taking me and my judgment out of it. Then it happened…the wake up call. I forced myself out of bed, asked God what He wanted, then opened my Bible and cast my eyes on these words: “Do not be afraid; keep on speaking, do not be silent. For I am with you, and no one is going to attack and harm you, because I have many people in this city.” Wow. It was just icing to note that 1) these were words of Jesus, 2) spoken to Paul “one night in a vision”.
 
I obeyed. It was hard. It took faith. And I have been healed. I am still speaking, faithful to that Word, regardless of the inward fears that still sometimes come. For me, it is a personal inside joke between me and my Father, and a tribute to His power and glory, that I am now a preacher.
 
Then there was the time that is more sentimental to me than it is “amazing”. My wife and I were about to have our second child, and we were looking for names (we didn’t know if it was a boy or a girl) that we thought were both 1) cool and unique and 2) spiritually inspiring and meaningful. We were really stuck. Then it happened…wide awake in the middle of the night. I forced myself out of bed (which is the only way I can get out of bed in the middle of the night – a legitimate and begrudged step of faith required of me for these treasures that only later am I grateful for), and went to the prayer room. I don’t want to imply that these sweet words always come from “randomly opening the Bible”, but I did it this time, too. I skeptically squinched up my face when I opened to I Kings 7 and started reading one of those boring parts of the Bible where it’s outlining the dimensions, workers, and items surrounding the building of the Solomon’s Temple. I almost tried again, turning to the New Testament, hoping to hit the gospels for a word from Christ, but decided to read on and “see what happened.” My eyes got to a weird pause in the details about the 2 bronze pillars erected on the porch of the temple, where Solomon named one of of them Jakin and one of them Boaz. I glided by it, but couldn’t keep the name Jakin from ringing in my head. I looked up it’s meaning, which is “God Establishes.” Great meaning, but I wasn’t sold on it. The next morning, my wife had the same reaction. But it grew on us over the following weeks to a weird place of really loving it. So much so, that we used it in both our boy and girl names. Jakin Major for a boy, which means “God establishes greatness”, and Callie Jakin for a girl, which means “The beauty that God establishes.” We had a girl. Then 2 years later, we had another boy. We used both names. While that’s valuable enough a gift between me and my Father, I expect I have yet to see the glorious reason He had us give them that name. And I expect I will learn that in and through my children as they grow up with those names.
 
There are more…but you get the point. So let me tell you what happened last night. 
 
Nothing.
 
Nothing at all. You know why? Because I rolled over and waited out my “wide-awakeness” for 45 minutes to get back to sleep.
 
And this morning…I am full of regret. I feel like a man in poverty, who didn’t have to be. A feel like scarcity is upon me like a bandit, and it is due to my own faithless laziness. How often does God interrupt my sleep? Not often. How many times has He proven faithful to give me the riches of His Presence expressed to me in some unspeakable and personal way? Every one of the few times.
 
Twenty one times I find the words “get up!” spoken by Jesus. I’ve read all of them before. Many, many times in all of their various contexts.
 
But today I am getting my own personal set of those words, from my Lord, for my own personal context. I guess I needed him to say it 22 times.
 
 
 
 

My Shepherds

15 February 2007
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“The elders who direct the affairs of the church well are worthy of double honor, especially those whose work is preaching and teaching.” – St. Paul
 
I have elders who are worthy of double honor. They would certainly deny it. But they are.
 
Let me tell you about them.
 
There is one that I will call the Preacher. Some who have known me well from my past might think I’m insulting this man due to my past self-righteous judgment of “preachers” in general (thus the divine comedy in my having become one), but this elder has redeemed the title for me back to something worthy. He has spent his life paying the high price of being a preacher, and he has held it with honor. He, according to my friend Paul, is one that is especially worthy of double honor. He is a diligent worker for the Kingdom, thinks like Christ as if he knows him personally, and is constantly transforming in revolutionary ways. He is currently working on the spiritual discipline of simplicity.
 
Then there is God’s Right Hand. This shepherd’s face literally lights up with a smile at the royal thought of helping someone in genuine need. And it’s almost as if the less deserving the recipient the better…like being able to help someone who has screwed up reminds him of what God has done for him. And he loves it all the more when the left hand doesn’t know what he’s doing. His way of living is absolutely contagious to those who find themselves with him.

Another one is the Practitioner of Pure Religion. St. James said that pure and undefiled religion is to take care of widows in their trouble. ‘Nuff said. If I was a widow, I’d come running to this church simply because this elder would take the call to care for me personally.
 
I’d love for you to meet the elder who I will call Humble Willingness. His presence is one of strong silence and support. It’s not that he doesn’t have much wisdom or plenty to say, and he will when it’s called for, but he feels no need to be heard on every “issue” like most of us humans do. He would tell you that he feels over his head most of the time as an elder. But I know that he also feels that he can’t escape the call of God on his life (and maybe the call of his fellow elders, as well) and has decided to be willing to go where He leads, choosing the path of “willingness to follow”, rather than “qualified to lead”.
 
Then there is The Shepherd’s Shepherd. I would call this man an “aged sage” who, through stories, availability, and forthrightness instigates a whole bunch of ministry and transformation. He doesn’t mind being the cause of trouble, so long as it doesn’t run over someone’s heart, and it has as it’s ultimate end the glory of God and the good of people. He is prayerful and has his eye on his fellow Shepherd’s and their hearts and development as men of God.
 
One I would call the Minister of Humanity. He is full of compassion and embodies the desire of making a real and meaningful contribution to real human beings. He makes the world he walks through better, and has an eye for doing so, and a willing spirit to make “better” happen whenever it is in his power to do so. I imagine his eyes filling with tears when he sees situations that he can’t. I don’t know for sure (and I also know for sure), but if I had a dime for every dollar this man spent out of his heart of compassion, I’d be a wealthy man. And If I had a minute added to my life for every hour he has spent in service to humanity, I’d live to be 150. I think he believes the scene in Matthew 25.
 
I’ll call one the Joy of Jesus. Always with a smile, always with Jesus’ name on his lips. He’s sincere and thoughtful, but full of spring in his step and joy, specifically because of Jesus, whose Name spews from his mouth with regularity and ease. No job is “too small” for him and his love and zeal for his wife is remarkable, his praise for her second only to his praise for Christ. 
 
Another I’ll call the Tearfully Transformed. You should hear him speak of his past commitment to a legalistic following of the rules he could squeeze out of the Bible, and the heart-death that it brought along with it to himself and those around him, and compare it to him speaking of his current commitment to a Spirit-filled following of the heart and character and priorities of Jesus Christ and the heart-life that it has brought himself and those around him. Incredibly bright and intelligent and articulate, he would tell you that he is still fighting to believe the Bible in the way he now reads it, tearing up easily as he continues to die to himself to live for Christ relationally among others.
 
Then there is the Leader of Leaders. The competence and capacity of this man is truly a sight to behold. He is a gifted teacher, a compassionate truth-teller, a bold relationship builder, a dedicated family man, willing to enter into the messy lives of others with no guarantee of “success” in traditional terms. He is creative with solutions, able to take in a multi-faceted, multi-variable “problem” and formulate a creative expression of our church’s emerging values that redeems the “problem” into an “opportunity”. He is a convicted man, but never immovable in his ideas that express those immovable convictions. He invites and incites group transformation, able to be an up-front leader, or a leader-by-participating, and enjoys both. This man, his family, and those who get into relationship with him model and embody the vision of our church.
 
And then there is the Man of Decision. This shepherd has a love for decision making, facilitating decision making, and is fearless in calling for decision making. While he would never want to jump prematurely, he prefers action to continued discussion, and isn’t afraid of making a mistake. He isn’t against or intolerant of “continued discussion” and “appropriate dialogue”, but he lives with a Spirit-filled “holy impatience” that is always inviting our church’s leadership to “get it done,” whatever that “it” needs to be. He is a servant to the rest of his brother Shepherd’s with his gifts, and, most importantly, is a lover of his family in bold, sacrificial and unique ways. He and his wife live in a daily sacrifice, never drawing attention to it, but faithfully modeling endurance and perseverance in commitment to Christ for all who know him well.
 
Finally, there is Human Gravity. This shepherd seems to attract real human beings, with real human issues of all sorts. In particular, people who have been wounded and are self-aware enough to know it, can’t seem to avoid the desire to be around this patient and courageous care-giver. He and his wife are deeply introspective people, but can just as easily laugh and smile and joke as they can be sincere, serious, and deep. They use their own lives shamelessly to minister to others in their perceived places of shame, and as a result, this shepherd seems to naturally pull people who have emotional or mental scars, but who want hope and life to overcome them.
 
You put this group together, and I’m tellin’ yaw, you have a group who are worthy of double honor. If you will get to know this church, you will see these same characteristics in her individual members. Jesus explains why…he says it’s because “when a student if fully trained, he will be like his teacher.” (Luke 6:40)
 
No wonder this place is so great. We are becoming like them, as they are like Christ.

My Favorite Worship Service

14 February 2007
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This last Sunday morning had to be one of my all-time favorite “worship services” that I have ever been to.


It had nothing to do with the number’s in attendance…there were 4 of us.
It had nothing to do with the song selection…I think we sang only one song together, and that was in the car on the way to the “service”.
It had nothing to do with the sermon…all four of us preached co-operatively, actually.
It had nothing to do with the church building…we weren’t even in a building, we were outside.

The day started the evening before, really. I was at Harding University, my alma mater, having just finished an “Evangelism Training/Discipleship Seminar” (www.lineofdeparture.com) for some students, teachers, and elders in and around Searcy, Arkansas. I have lots of friends at Harding, primarily former students of mine from the youth ministry in Houston, and also some students from Amarillo where I am now. I had been verbally “throwing out” my desire to go out to a place called Bluff Hole on Sunday morning quite liberally to them all. I was looking to jump into the water below…a thrilling experience that I partake of every time I return to Arkansas. I was fishing for the interested friends who might accompany me.

Upon hearing me talk about it, some of my friends got quiet, hoping I wouldn’t ask them to come, wanting to avoid saying ‘no’. Others shamelessly wrinkled their eyebrows, and said, “No!” with a little hiccup in the middle of the “o”, as if their answer should have been overtly obvious and self-evident. They thought of the cold, the craziness, their current Sunday morning plans or desires…and it didn’t sound attractive to them at all. Understandable.

But 3 people’s eyes got big. And upon my speaking it, each responded with some version of “Can I come with you?” I told them I’d let them know later that night if it was going down.

So Amanda (who brought her extra appendage – her camera), Coulter (who brought a pair of old shoes for me to jump in that he didn’t mind getting wet) and Heath (who provided the car) and I called each other late Saturday night and secured our Sunday morning worship plan. Amanda, Coulter and I were to meet under the overpass behind the Heritage Inn and Heath would swing by and pick us up for church.

We stopped at a convenience store where I purchased everyone a nice cold refreshment of their choice, and a small bottle of Welch’s Grape Juice and some bread.

The drive was fun and lively, the atmosphere charged with a hint of anticipation and adventure. For me, it was an emotional celebration of the past…by emotional, I don’t mean intense feeling. It’s just that I have made this drive a hundred times, and each familiar site was strangely comforting and exciting. It was also a relational celebration of the present…to have the likes of Amanda, Coulter, and Heath as friends and fellow followers of Christ is enough to make any man very, very rich. For those of you who know those three, you know that I’m telling the truth. When you speak to them of God and God’s things, deep calls to deep. And it was also a faith celebration of the future. We were going to this particular spot on the planet at this particular time to express how we don’t live exclusively for or in this place and time. We believe in a Kingdom that transcends this life and these bodies. And we unabashedly use this life and these bodies to show people (and remind ourselves) that we belong to the Rule of a Great King, we live our lives in the context of a Great Story, we have faith in an Unseen and Glorious Future…and we were going to live in that.

We made the semi-difficult climb to the top of the bluff. 3 out of 4 of us have jumped from this spot into the water below before. I was the only one planning on doing it on this cold day, but the magnitude of the thought is enough to bring a measure of silent reverence and awe-filled staring…with a nervous smile breaking across your face at the thought.

And that’s what happened. After all the “oohing” and “aahing”, laughing and joking, we all ended up silent. Heath was sitting on a ledge comfortably, Amanda was standing off the to right looking out over the beautiful scene before us. Coulter was on one knee to our left. I was still on both feet, but squatting with my elbows on my knees. It was a completely unscripted, natural “call to worship”.
I asked, “How is Jesus, and life with him, like this bluff?”

Heath spoke first of the “leap of faith”. Amanda spoke of the “life that comes when your life or death is not in your hands anymore”. Coulter and I added our thoughts to the dialogue, and I would be doing a disservice to the profound ground the 4 of us covered by trying to repeat all of it here. Suffice it to say, it was beautiful and inspiring, and Jesus Christ was the hero on that bluff in the hearts of 4 of his disciples.

It got quiet again. Thoughtful. I realized then that even though it was 28 degrees out here that none of us were impatiently shivering. There was no wind to speak of and I silently thanked God for such grace so that we didn’t feel rushed at all because of the temperature.

The silence was broken when I picked up the plastic bag, pulled out a loaf of bread, broke it and gave half to Coulter, who broke it and gave half to Amanda. I did the same with Heath. We ate. Then I twisted the top off the Welch’s and we passed it around a few times and enjoyed the sharp taste of grape as we looked back and forth between each other doing so and off into the distance (I guess we were a “one cupper” fellowship this morning).

We all smiled as we knew what was next. Amanda spoke first wanting to take a posed picture of the 4 of us looking like we were hanging on for our lives above the cliff. She was right, it turned out cool.

Then I started stripping down to the swimsuit and t-shirt that I had on under my clothes. Amanda and Heath stood behind me on the bluff, Amanda with her camera ready to start snapping. Coulter whips out a cool treasure…a camera that can also take digital video. He climbs down and around to a lower ledge below us and is going to video the whole thing (it’s one YouTube).

Was I nervous? Always. Did I have 2nd thoughts? Usually do. Was I afraid? Yes. Did I have good and unique reasons to not jump this time? Absolutely. Would anyone have thought me chicken if I didn’t jump? Not in this crowd, and what of it if they did? Was I tempted to decide I might be getting too old for this (I had just turned 39 the day before)? Sure.

But did I jump? Yes. Check it out.


I know everyone has their own tastes concerning worship service. But this was the best one that I’ve attended in a long, long time.

Don’t "Pluto" one another

17 January 2007
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‘Plutoed’ chosen as ’06 Word of the Year – Sun Jan 7, 8:38 PM ET – ANAHEIM, Calif. – Pluto is finally getting some respect — not from astronomers, but from wordsmiths. “Plutoed” was chosen 2006’s Word of the Year by the American Dialect Society at its annual meeting Friday.To “pluto” is “to demote or devalue someone or something,” much like what happened to the former planet last year when the General Assembly of the International Astronomical Union decided Pluto didn’t meet its definition of a planet.

 
“May we all speak the truth in love with sensitivity and respect for the perspectives of each other, and may we all speak the truth in love with incredible strength and perseverance regardless of the perspectives of each other. Speaking the truth carelessly, spitefully, sarcastically or in “self-defense mode” violates the former, and withholding the truth to “keep the peace”, protect the status quo, or avoid chaos violates the latter. And either one “plutos” another human being.” — Yours Truly
 
It was priceless timing. The kind of timing that guys who value “such things” live for.
 
You know the scene. I’m with a group of people in some sort of social setting. The conversation flows from idea to idea, concept to concept, person to person. I’m listening with a quite unconscious, non-malicious, but keen ear for “such things” and then the moment comes. Someone says just the right thing, and something with just the right ring of cleverness pops into my head, and then, WHAM! I interrupt the flow, regardless of the level of sincerity lingering over the group (and sometimes because of it), regardless of who has the floor at the time (and sometimes because of it), regardless of who’s armor it might put a “chink” in (and sometimes because of it), regardless of pretty much anything…I lay out a brilliantly timed, masterfully phrased, “just-enough-truth” encompassing series of words that steals the show, if even for a moment, and wows the crowd with a mixture of roaring laughter, wide eyes accompanied by “oos” and “ohhhs”, fingers pointing and backs slapping of the “prop” used for such things, which is usually a real live human being. Occasionally the prop isn’t in the present crowd, but known my all of us, so it feels like a “harmless crime,” if a crime at all.
 
I used to “pluto” people like this often. That is, speaking things without regard to other people’s perspective. I excused it with phrases in my head (and out loud) like, “I’m just joking” (which I usually was), “I didn’t mean it” (which I usually didn’t), “you should have thicker skin” (which they usually should’ve), and “that’s just my nature…the way I am” (which I later found to be true only in a superficial way). I still relapse occasionally, but for the most part I don’t indulge in this for fear of the mindless and unintentional plutoing of people in my wake.
 
More often these days, I pluto people in much more invisible way.
 
Rather than doing it by “saying” things that reflect “some truth” without love, I pluto people by by “not saying” things that “are truth” and call it love.
 
I excuse it with phrases in my head (and out loud) like, “I’m not sure how they would react to that,” or “I AM sure how they would react to that,” or “I may not be right about that,” or “that’s none of my business,” or “that’s not my responsibility.”
 
I couldn’t be clearer on this for my life, but I could be more faithful. For me to do such a thing completely “demotes and devalues” that person in my life. I have ceased treating them with dignity in my heart. Especially when my thoughts start excusing my silence with phrases like “They can’t handle it,” “They don’t want it,” or “They just don’t get it.”
 
I really do believe that the truth sets you free. In every way that you can think of to take that statement, I believe it is true. I’ve experienced it hundreds of times in a dozens of ways.
 
And anything but God’s honest truth flowing from within, to one another, pluto’s one another.

 

Brother Marcus, St. John of the Cross, and Jesus

14 December 2006
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This is just to remind you also that today is the memorial of St. John of the Cross in our liturgy.” – Brother Marcus, my monk friend at Christ in the Desert Monastery

“Some forge connections with people arising from sensual lust and not from purity of spirit. To test this, they should consciously recall the attraction and see if it causes remembrance and love of God to grow inside them or instead trigger remorse of conscience. If the connection is pure, love for God deepens with the deepening of friendship. [If] remembrance of God arises as often as thoughts of the friend arise, the friendship is from the purity of spirit. But when this love springs from the vice of lust, it has the contrary effect. As love for the human friend intensifies, love for the divine flows away, even from the memory. The soul who loses herself in that other affection will find her love for God growing cold — remembering one and forgetting the other.” – St. John of the Cross

“Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” Pointing to his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers. For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.” – Jesus

My monk friend sent me an email today that included a news flash for me…today, in the liturgical prayer schedule that he follows with his monastic community in the desert, remembers the life and contribution of St. John of the Cross.

His news flash did just that for me…I’m remembering the contribution John has had on my life through his incredible work entitled “Dark Night of the Soul”. I pulled out my well-worn copy and opened it to the thought above concerning relationships with people, which I had underlined. John uses very strong words (i.e.: “connections from sensual lust” vs.. “connections from purity of spirit”) which leads the modern reader thinking that he is speaking of proper romantic relationships. Be assured that he is not. He is speaking of any kind of relationship, friendship, family, or otherwise. When I read this the first time, I wrote in the margin “good test for whether a relationship is a ‘transforming friendship’.”

That kicked me right to the statement of my Master about who he considered “family”. Jesus says that anyone who does the will of God was his family.

I feel like that.

And I also feel freedom from judging what another persons “doing” of the will of God looks like externally. I have met many, many people who do not “do the will of God” the way I do, but I can tell we are of one mind and heart and soul and spirit (i.e.: Jesus). Brother Marcus is an incredible example of that, who is finding God primarily through contemplation. And so is my new friend Garrett who works at a Real Estate place down the road from my house, who is sharing his life and story with me. And so is my friend Paula who stopped by my office this morning on her way to her “office” where she teaches countless people in Africa about Christ through the mail. And so is my co-worker Edie who was on the floor with a hurting woman praying for her and sharing in her suffering by touching on her own. And so is my friend Russ who at lunch yesterday tapped into the calling he has received on his life and let me wade around in it with him. And so is my buddy Larry, who at lunch today spoke of an incredible “fathering” lesson for his son just by going on a hunting trip with him and an older, grandfatherly type man who trusted his son with his binoculars.
They are my mother and my brother and my sister. Nothing like me at all, and yet the family resemblance is uncanny.

Remembrances of God arise in me when I think of these friends.

Do you have these people? Seriously. If not, I consider you to be in poverty. The poorest of the poor on the planet. Destitute. Broke and pitiable.

I am absolutely sure that God is trying to provide for you in this, and that your blame on others for not giving it to you is merely that…your blame. All you have to be is willing.

Thanks, Marcus, for being a friend who reminds me of God. Thanks, St. John of the Cross, for being open to whatever you had to be open to be able to chart the inner spiritual journey like you did in your book. Thanks, Jesus, for being the perfect model and source of everything good and worthwhile, and making it so available to everyone.

And thank you, God, for so many mothers, brothers, and sisters.

Ridiculous

13 December 2006
Comments (3)

“I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.” – Paul, in Ephesians 4:1

“The call of God does what the call of man cannot; it wakes us up; it raises the dead.” — John Piper

“People often ask me what it “looks like” when a person has “found their calling.” Those eyes … it’s clearly in the eyes. These are the eyes of Calling. Commitment. Compassion. Determination. Grief. Holy discontent. Passion beyond words. Sacrifice. Surrender. “ — Jim Spivey
I met this woman in the picture a year and a half ago in a coffee shop in the Woodlands, TX, north of Houston. It was before she took this trip to Africa. A trip she was born to take, to initiate and enact a mission that she was inside of her and wouldn’t let her go.
I dare you to gaze at this picture for more than 60 seconds without having something stir in heart. Something deep. Something powerful and invading and inconvenient. The something won’t be tame, or logical, or reasonable, or attainable. It won’t be “fundable”, practical, or sensible.
But it will be something. It will be calling.
But don’t worry. You can take your eyes off of it and cast them on something attainable, medicating, or adrenaline-producing the minute you can’t stand it any more. Just look at your check-book, your bills, your to-do list as it is currently written. Just look around you at all the company you have doing mundane, repetitive, non-life-saving chores and feel affirmed in your mediocrity. Do whatever you want…but please, please…DON’T be ridiculous.
Like this woman…Melissa. She’s ridiculous.
And just look at her. I dare you. And I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling that you will receive. Here’s what Melissa says she is doing in that picture…
“Whatever He has in store for me in the area of service involves my whole family and extended community. As I continue to develop my ministry in this country, helping women just like me and children just like mine until our “schooling” is complete, I am being called to create a family-based mission in Africa, where AIDS, ignorance, poverty, and starvation are decimating families. All of my resources and capacities to embark on this mission will be supplied through prayer and God’s grace, the cornerstones of my life, at exactly the right time.”

Secret Life Feedback #10

8 December 2006
Comments (3)
I got an “amen” from a good friend of mine today about the redundancy of all this feedback on by email entitled, “My Secret Life of Discipleship”. As promised, I’ll assemble one more concerning the use of the word “Secret” in this…as it has caused some good questions and deserves explanation and clarification…
 
“I keep finding these brothers and sisters all over the place who are struggling with the same things that I am… and the only explanation I have is that God’s Spirit is at work!” – 45ish brother, minister in the Church of Christ up North
 
“We all need to recognize we are on the same side – just have different perspectives.  But we have to be careful about drawing lines, alienating one another over our differences and seek at least an understanding – though I don’t think we have to agree on everything.  HOWEVER, I will protect my family from legalism and fight it tooth and nail every step in the way.” – 35ish sister, life-long member of the Church of Christ
 

“Perhaps I am ignorant because I am not a member of the Church of Christ, but it would seem to me that you all have the same goals in mind.  Why all the politics in loving Christ? I find it interesting that the Church (for any religion) would risk alienating such devoted members, whose sole purpose in life has been to be like Christ in their actions, thoughts, and deeds.  I would ask the question:  Do the governing members of your church interpret His teachings in this fashion?  If so, why would anyone want to be a member? Just an outsider looking in…” – 35ish buddy of mine that I was lucky enough to meet in Skydiving school 8 years ago
 
“Walking like Christ means that the “rules” are, in a way, irrelevant because if we are walking with him, we will be walking in the spirit. Will the spirit of Christ lead us astray? I don’t think so. Thus, the “rules” take care of themselves.” – 40ish brother, life-long member of Church of Christ
 
“It is difficult to get the language just right so that we are all seeing [obedience to rules] as a natural consequence of our surrender to Him.” – 60ish sister, life-long member of Church of Christ
 
“Loving God; loving each other—on these two commands, which act as a curtain rod, hang the law and the prophets. Obedience every time it is called for happens as we do these two commands. Talk about idealistic—That is our God–idealistic. And, as I focus on these two commands, so goes my obedience.” – 60ish sister, life-long member of the Church of Christ
 
“I wish this had been my post. It’s everything that’s been firing around in my brain and heart for the last few years–finally put into a written, coherent format.” – 30ish sister, life-long member of the Church of Christ
 
“I don’t belong to the Church of Christ denomination, but I do belong to the Church of Christ. And I think believers in several denominations will agree with much of what you write.” – Unknown

 
“I can honestly say that this is the longest it has taken me to respond to an email.  I have gone through many, many emotions from the first time I read it, until the 14th time I re-read it.  My first impression was one of division, impatience and fear.  I did not sleep much that first night.  I had a long, long conversation with our Lord in prayer and in his Word.  Each time I re-read the email, the qualities that I thought was originally conveyed, diminished.  Now, I see it as a plea of encouragement and challenge.” – 55ish sister, life long member of the Church of Christ
 
“As I remember my own passion for the lawkeeping, I heard less, whether taught or not, of loving God and loving others. Focusing on lawkeeping kept me in fear of losing the love of God. So, as I walked in fear, I had little ability to love with the God kind of love. In fact, with the understanding I have today, I am amazed about my sons. As all of them know God in deeper ways than I did when I was “raising” them. I know God in deeper ways than my parents and grandparents. So, I am fully aware how much God keeps that which I have committed (myself and my children) unto Him.” – 60ish sister, life-long member of the Church of Christ
 
“Somehow, you climbed inside my head and heart and wrote down my innermost thoughts and feelings in a most eloquent way.” – 40ish brother, and member of the Church of Christ academic community
 
You put into words my thoughts. I love the church and I appreciate everyone in my background that taught me so much. I am especially grateful for those who taught me grace . I have a sign on my office doorway that says,”I AM STILL LEARNING”. – 50ish minister of Church of Christ in the South
 
“Since I have emailed you I read all of your responses. That is incredible. I am so glad that you posted your article and the responses. I shared your blog with several friends and family and my brother in law wrote back and said that he is in tears over it. It really touched him in an area where he has been wrestling with God..My story… it is a fun one. Believe it or not, I have been baptized 28 times for religious reasons. The friend of mine that sent me your blog says that when I arrive in Heaven that Naaman will be presenting me a plaque.” –
— A brother, age unknown, member of the Church of Christ

“Wow! I thought I was the only one that felt that way. I am truly glad to see there are others that are having this same struggle. It has been hard being alone with these heavy concerns. I am in a very conservative congregation and sometimes feel like I am suffocating. However, I also feel great compassion for and responsibility to the members. I only wonder how long I can continue like this.” – Anonymous

“Unlike most of your bloggers, my wife and I made a clean break from the church of Christ some 30 years ago when we discovered that arrogance was not one of the fruits of the Spirit.  Having been brought up in a church of Christ home and having attended two “Christian” colleges, I began to see through some of the prejudicial positions.  That made me question whether any of it was true.  With reference ONLY to the Scriptures, I reexamined one matter after another, and some of our conclusions were distressing.  We are living proof that there is life after death.” –a 71-year-old Jesus freak

Secret Life Feedback #9

6 December 2006
Comments (0)
More feedback from the blog/email entitled “Secret Life of Discipleship.” Check out the various generations represented here…
 
I think I’ll piece together two more sets of feedback, ending with an even eleven (smirk). I think I will use the next one to deal with my choice of using the word “Secret”…
 
I’m so grateful to all of your feedback…this whole little cyber-experience has been good for my heart. One friend of mine, after reading it, said he could see how the writing and sending of this is good “catharsis” for me…which is right. It has been. Thanks for going there with me…
 

“Despite being fourth generation church of Christ (3 of my grandparents were born into C of C families over 100 years ago) and attending C of C’s 3 time per week for my entire life I have grown to feel like an outsider. On a good day, I do not care that I am a misfit. On those days it is enough for me to be focused on Jesus and seek His glory. On other days, I walk in the flesh and I am wearied of constantly swimming upstream. I get tired of being that strange but harmless guy who is out of step with my brothers. My wife and I are strongly considering leaving the churches of Christ to experience aspects of the Christian faith that we have not explored in our fellowship.  We also realize that we will be leaving behind all of the strengths of our movement of which there are many. Please pray that God will speak clearly to us.” — 45ish brother

 
“How very encouraging to read all the feedback. I have made the decision to leave the Church of Christ after so many years of questioning and seeing no truth in so many of the answers I got. I knew that there was no truth in the answers as I found no peace in them. My heart aches at how many of us have missed and are missing so much of the life abundant Christ shed His blood to give us. I am ready to receive fully His right to give me all that He purchased for me with His blood. As all of those who have expressed resonance and support for your writings and their lives transform, our Lord is being glorified and held up through their lives so that the world will ask for the reason for their hope, and we they can answer with so much love, assurance, joy, and peace. It is my prayer that my Father will continue to heal all the pain I have experienced attempting to find peace in all the wrong places, and that He will return me to the Church of Christ fully healed and alive so that I might serve Him fully for the life I have left. So many thoughts in this “Secret Life” express so much of all I have needed to become free with the “peace and freedom that passes understanding.”” — 60ish sister, life-long member of the Church of Christ
 

“I grew up in the CoC and was fully indoctrinated into the legalistic mindset that you describe.  Rather than making me angry or confused, it basically made me callous.  I went through the motions but my spirit was sucked away and I was left with a legalistic shell of a faith.  I did the things I had to do on Sunday and went right back into the world the following morning.  Thanks be to God that I’m slowly turning back into something that might one day be recognizable as a Christian.  Finding like-minded people here in [my town] and now on Blogs like yours have started a slow trickle of the Spirit into a long-since dry well.” – 34 year old brother, life long member of the Church of Christ
 
“When you spoke of being mentorless, this is how I have felt and am still feeling but I have decided I no longer want to merely pray just to have God answer them but to have a real and alive relationship with him. And thank you for drawing attention back to Christ where so many times we get distracted by the things pointing us to him.  I loved what you said about giving sacrificially at the risk of being called “bad stewardship”.  I can remember hearing the sermon about “Good Stewardship” so many times growing up.  However I’m afraid that we have been hoarding the gifts from God under the label of being “Good Stewards.”  And more and more I wonder if Jesus himself would have been labeled a Good Steward of money. I really don’t get involved with church programs for many of the reasons you stated.  I really want to but I cannot find a place inside the church walls to have the “life-giving impact” on people. In fact I would say many of the deeply spiritual events in my life happened outside of the church building.  My friends and I started a home Bible Study to bring people in from the area who weren’t really Followers.  As they began to become Christians, we had the problem of getting them involved in local Churches because no church seemed to fit them or were easy to get plugged into.  It seemed as if there were no place for them. I feel the same way about walking on egg shells with what we say.  Sometimes when I speak at places, I think to myself, “If they really knew what I believe would they let me be standing here on this stage?” Thank you.  It makes me happy and encourages me to see that people outside of my generation are seeing these things and wishing for something different.  I debate within myself to  leave and start something different or to stay and work with the people I love and care about for something more in line with Christ.” – 21ish brother, life long member of the Church of Christ

Secret Life Feedback #8

5 December 2006
Comments (2)
Some more feedback from the blog/email I wrote entitled, “My Secret Life of Discipleship”. I had a good shepherd ask me why I was posting so much feedback. He said it’s starting to sound redundant…that the point has been made…and he is probably right if the point is the CONTENT of the essay.
 
But now, the point of all the feedback I am getting is the AMOUNT of people who resonate with the content of the essay. That is why I’m still posting.
 
I guess that will help me to think about stopping, but I want everyone to get a taste of the overwhelming response I got to this post. And the wide array of ages/personalities that identify with it (although most of the posts below are in the 35-45 age range).
 
I haven’t posted a fraction of the feedback I’ve received.
 
What am I to learn from this? What are we to learn from this?
 
I’ll have to post a few more…
 

“Wow….I wonder if you were looking inside my head when you wrote this.  I struggle with this stuff word for word in some cases.  I always use this passage (Ephesians 4:2,3) as a reason not to change so that I don’t upset people, but I think it is more of an excuse not to boldly follow Christ and therefore not cut the strings that keep me attached. Now that I read it in context, verse 1 says to live a life worthy of the calling you have received, and I think I am sacrificing that to satisfy verse 2 and 3. It is something I struggle with and I don’t have the answers.  For now, like you, I will continue to pray and seek God more and more each day striving to imitate Christ and share His love with others one day at a time.  Thanks for your encouraging words.  It is nice to know that others feel the same as I do.  I think I am going to go spend some time in prayer now just for some good God-Contact.” – 35ish youth minister, life-long member of the Church of Christ

 
“I have felt much the same way for years but was not sure really how to deal with these emotions or if they are valid enough to be concerned about.  I was baptized when I was 9 yrs old and felt like I have done all the “right” things.  A few years ago after getting married and starting on that journey we call adulthood, I began to wonder “Is this all there is to the Christian life?”  Go to church on Sunday and Wed, sing some songs, pray, communion, listen to the preacher, go home, sometimes have a fellowship dinner, gospel meeting once, or twice a year if we were really about God’s business, but very seldom ever talked Jesus outside the walls of the “Sanctuary”  How much we were missing. I feel sometimes that I am a beginner Christian again.  Past the milk stage and now ready for the Meat when I thought I had been a Meateater for years.  Guess it was just oatmeal.  It has become easier to at least “talk Jesus” when I am about among peers.  I always had the feeling that if I ever mentioned the Good News that I would be looked at as being Holier than thou because I was a “Church of Christer” and we have always thought we were “Right”.  I have found that some of my Methodist friends are not so different in their goals as we are with ours and in some respects seem to be ahead me.  I have had some really good conversations with them that I never had with friends “in the Church”.  What a sad confession. Do you mind if I share your article with some family members of mine?  I know some are in the same boat but are not sure how to exactly deal with some of this.” – 40ish brother, life long member of the Church of Christ
 

“I could resonate to some of those situations, thoughts or ideas, and feelings.  You mentioned about (loving) “dialogue”, which is more humane than having a discussion.  Dialogue is more of the “heart” without bypassing the mind than just mere discussion, which has the tendency to more rational and usually stays on the “mind level”. Your words are always “of Christ”.  That’s really wonderful. Again, religion is not an issue but of faith. I like your words saying that less educated members or people are more devoted to the Divine Mater than some who have a Masters of Divinity.  It is ironic sometimes that we can be a “fan” of Christ instead of being or becoming a “follower” of Christ.  We can say a lot of things or ideas “about” Christ especially who have gone for further studies but sans the theological studies cannot ignore the “real or actual” experience “of” God.  However, there is always a desire that a theology from above could meet with a theology from below.  It is my ardent desire, too, that we can see both Christ as God (the Theology from above) and Christ as human who is also God (the theology from below) and so he is fully divine and fully human. Please, never lose that sight and your steadfast love for your Church and be the Church you pray to be, that is, “of Christ”. Let us always abide in the love and care of God.” – 40ish Monk friend of mine, from the Philippines, who resides at “Christ in the Desert Monastery”, where I spent 3 days last August.

 

“I’m pretty convinced that legalism is not unique to ‘our’ movement and seems to be a vulnerability to most who follow Christ. It is much easier-and probably more immediately affirming-to align yourself with a set of rules than put your full weight on Jesus. More than anything else my tendency to find the easy way, ‘play the system’, and just generally be lazy, lends itself to the least resistant, less thoughtful less faith-full, path of legalism. Your writing  and the Spirit has stoked alot within me.” – 40ish brother, life long member of the Church of Christ

 

I am a along time member on the Church of Christ. I was absent for a long time (15 yrs or so) and the reasons I stayed gone so long were a lot of the same ones you have listed here. I know that it was not right, but I let my pride and belief that I was right keep me away. It truly seems that you have jumped into my head and pulled out all of my buried thoughts. However, I have found myself going too far, often by bashing as hard against them as I felt they were bashing me and my beliefs. This too is wrong, as you have pointed out… I love this church and I love the Lord our God.” – 45ish brother, life long member of the Church of Christ

 

“I just wanted to take a minute to say that you did a fantastic job of summing up what so many of us are feeling.  As someone who is often called upon to write things to express group consensus, I found myself constantly wishing that I’d written what I was reading, and grateful that you’d summed it up so well.” — 25ish brother, life long member of the Church of Christ

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