“The time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.” – The Apostle Paul

I’m feeling a real need to shoot real straight tomorrow morning in my message to the body about financial generosity to the church family. Not because we need to meet our budget (although we do), and not because I want to be a “straight shooter” (although I do).

God is straight about it. Serving God and Money can’t be done. It can’t be done. It just can’t.

This is such a heart issue. Speak the truth about it, pack it in as much love, and people still react with either soft hearted receptivity, or hard hearted opinions that protect their own status quo.

I’m really nervous about it, for some reason. Strange, sometimes, what rocks my boat. I’m not quite sure what it is that’s rocking it this time. I’ve got a huge blind spot here. I don’t think I feel insecure about my own stewardship…I feel like I’m currently giving sacrificially, and striving to position myself and my wife to give more in order to see the limits of God’s provision when we act in faith. I don’t think I’m insecure about what the Bible says on the stuff…I feel like I believe solidly in what I need to say.

What is it?

Maybe I just wish people did their own work on this?

Maybe I’m afraid some soft-hearted people will feel guilty about not “giving more”.

Maybe I don’t want to see the ugly side of folks who hate confronting their own battle with money-centeredness.

Maybe I’m afraid that out of all the Bible has to say about this, I won’t pick the best stuff.

Maybe I’m struggling with asking people to trust God and His appointed leaders more deeply.

Maybe there is something that I feel is deeply wrong somewhere, and this is just scratching the surface of it, exposing to me that I have more work to do here.

Whatever it is, it’s not a requirement for me to figure it out. It’s just a chance to speak the truth and let my speaking it do whatever it will do to me.

If you get this before Sunday morning, pray for me, would you? Ask God to speak.

If you get this after Sunday morning, pray for me, would you? And thank God for having spoken.

Today is the anniversary of one of the most (if not the most) life altering events of my life. It was traumatic, to say the least. It is one of those things that slowed down the whole world while it was happening…that slow motion thing, you know? I‘d always seen it on the movies, but 5 years ago, it happened to me for real…as if my mind knew the moment would be a defining reference point forever.  I wouldn‘t say it‘s hard to talk about, but I have to admit that I can not shake the affects of it even after half a decade.

Happy 5th birthday, Shade Canon Mashburn, my son. Five years ago you turned me into a dad, my favorite role so far in this life. You are my friend, fan, teacher, fellow-adventurer, and best buddy, and I honor you today and the incredible job God did (and is doing) in creating you. I love you.

"He teaches us both discipline and obedience however we force Him to." – Oswald Chambers

“Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.” — 1 Kings 19:11-13

Residing in my head are several voices screaming for my attention. There are hundreds, actually, but my mind groups many of them into one solitary voice that is asking for a particular focus from me.

The first of these voices I will name “Revolution”. It invites me to the rare, lofty, value-centered, counter-cultural, life-changing things that I feel blessed to have the opportunity to even think about. This is a highly personal voice. Others rarely know that this voice is inviting me to its work unless I reveal it to them. And even then they would not think of holding me accountable to heeding this voice, because it would be so costly to me and those around me (oftentimes including them) that they feel it’s beyond their ‘right’ to do so. These things are faithful to the purity of the term “revolution”…and acting on them would create change, fallout, resistance, excitement, fear, and (hopefully) freedom…first in myself, then in others. This voice calls to things that are idealistic and I rarely summon the courage to fight for and actually do them.

Another voice I will call “Important”.  It invites me to things that are typically as personal and hidden as Revolutionary things, though once someone starts to get to know me and my values well, they might actually sense my need and desire for them to point them out and help me see them through. This voice is always present and there is always a list of things that it is pointing me to. The things themselves are characterized by their attainability, but also by their lack of urgency that oftentimes keeps them undone. I guess that these are the “should do’s” that I referred to in a previous piece a few weeks ago. I love these things. I know that they are mine alone to do, and feel a sense of “on-targetness” when doing them. But they are constantly getting subverted by…

…the voice I will call “Interruption”. Don’t let the name fool you, it is not always inviting me to meaningless, small, or distracting busy work. This voice is oftentimes calling me (maybe even directing me) to do what I need to be doing in that moment. However, the things it invites me to are primarily characterized by their urgent nature, and admittedly, ARE often just busy work. I pretty much ignore Interruption when it falls into the category of busy work, although I heed it sometimes when I want to be distracted, or desire the illusion of accomplishment by beginning and finishing something small. Interruption is screaming, for me, usually when the thing it is inviting me to has a personal name. It is when the interruption’s name is Callie, or John, or Mary, or Joe that I struggle with whether to call it direction or distraction. Occasionally, I stop listening to all other voices and only listen to this one, and let it dictate my day…and on those occasions I wonder if I’m acting irresponsibly or in faith. Get it?

That’s enough voices for today…they are the three loudest, for me, for sure, and I am grateful to all of them. They have each played a part in leading me to a very satisfying existence of love, and I am grateful for their presence and even the dilemma they put me in.

Through them, God is teaching me about discipline and obedience, and He is also teaching me about humility and grace.

“Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.” – the Psalmist

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go.” – the God of the Psalmist

I have a discipline problem. I’m not very disciplined, and I am extremely disciplined. It’s very confusing.

I don’t know if it’s a character flaw, or not, really. It’s tough for me to discern. Frankly, I’m disciplined about the things that I have agreed are “must do’s”. “Should do’s” get mentioned romantically by me regularly, and even get some action out of me occasionally, but for the most part, the “should do’s” of my life are sort of treated like the stereo-typical step children of my life.

The problem is, I don’t think anyone could give me any more information or inspiration that would sell me on what I “should do” than I already have. I really think I’m in a position where either I or God must make them “must do’s” for me or I won’t really do them.

Take, for a safe example, working out. I should do this. I should do this regularly. I know the payoff, both immediate, and lasting…both to me, and my family. Shoot, I’m gonna be 50 when my oldest kid is 18 and I wanna be running around with him, climbing mountains, playing ball, and stuff. I need to be planning for that now if it’s going to become a reality. I should really do this, y’know? God couldn’t have made it easier, either. I get a free membership at a premier health club that is 50 yards away from the office I work out of! I have a wife who supports this part of my life, too, and is willing to work hard to protect my time doing it!

But since I only “should do” this, I often don’t. I have a discipline problem.

Maybe I’ll wait for heart attack, for the doctor to tell me that I must exercise or die (as if this isn’t true now). Then maybe it’ll make it into a “must do” and be a fully adopted, permanent fixture to my life.

We humans are so pitifully weak, and only are able to hide it from each other by showing off the fruit of our “must do” list. And I tell ya, boy, I can make a great case to anyone…ANYONE…about how much I must do my “must do” list. Even if it’s at the cost of my “should do’s”. Seriously, try me out. I can even make most people think my neglect of my “should do’s” is downright noble!

It’s a faith issue, of course. Everything is. Did you know you can measure a person’s spiritual maturity directly by how much time they spend on their “should do’s”?

I should really work on that.

“Jesus doesn’t slam you either for your doubts, your fears, your uncertainties. He wants to encourage you in your current assignment.” – Reggie McNeal in The Present Future

I prayed to God, asking Him to use me in some way with some one, right now.

A little desperate? Maybe. I wanted so much to matter to someone Saturday night. Someone that I didn’t necessarily know, but loved still. I wanted to find a searcher, someone looking for an explanation for things. Someone longing, but confused. Someone open, but honest. Someone hurt, not just angry. Someone looking for that “something” that I am constantly looking for. Someone like me.

I was on my way up to my office to put the finishing touches on the 30^th sermon of my current assignment…preaching to the Southwest Church of Christ in Amarillo, TX…when my deep desire to be Jesus to one climbed up over my desire to preach well to 850.

So I went into Starbucks with my Brennan Manning book and my desperate request of God to use me, bought some Tazo Chai Tea and sat next to a dude with a book (in one of those comfy chairs) who was asleep. He woke up shortly, asked me what time it was, initiating a 4-hour long conversation that took us from the book he was reading that explained how a reptilian race was controlling the earth’s events and manipulating us (he was a searcher, looking for an explanation to things), into deeper, grander, more transcendent questions that brought some clarity to his thoughts (he was longing, but confused), into my specific challenges of his worldview as compared to mine (he was open, but honest), into his past upbringing as a missionary kid in Thailand who was shipped off to boarding school by his dad who abused him while quoting scripture (he was hurting, not just angry), and finally into the deep wellspring of the righteousness, joy, and peace of being a genuine follower of Jesus Christ.

He was a poet, and jotted one down for me to take home to my wife (“I like to make sure women know they are beautiful”, he said), and quoted another long one from memory that explained his current position in life. It included a phrase about the “poison from the pulpit” that he is so afraid of and been hurt by, primarily through is dad. As our time ended, and the coffee I had bought for him had run out, and I did need to go spend some time on that sermon, I prepared for the blow as I told him I was a preacher…

“For like the whole church?” he asked.

“Yes,” I responded.

“How many people?” he asked, not so that he can measure how “successful” I might be, but to get his mind around this sweatshirt-clad, “holey”-jeaned, tennis-shoe wearing dude with spiky, bleached hair and what I might mean by the word “preacher”.

“850 or so” I told him.

“How old are you?” was his next question, and he only felt a little at ease when I told him 36. It was strangely sweet and satisfying to see his mind being blown up a little bit. It was like the judgments of this 33 year old man concerning the people of God were being challenged, that maybe he can reconsider a world view that he had to dismiss in the past because of it’s representatives.

I invited him to services the next morning, and even though he looked longingly into the distance, confronting everything that means to him, and said, “I haven’t been to church in a loooooong time,” he said he would come. He didn’t, but I woke up Sunday thinking about him being there. David (he likes the nick-name, Stryder), the searching but confused, open but honest, hurt but not angry man I had prayed to meet might be joining my faith community to worship the Father and become more like the Son.

The next morning, I was in some nice pants, a white oxford, and a sweater walking through the back of the sanctuary when I passed a brother who’s only words to me since I have arrived to preach to his community of faith have reflected anger, judgment, and legalism. I summoned whatever kindness and forgiveness that I could muster, smiled and shook his hand with a warm greeting, to which he responded by clasping my hand firmly, pulling me close with authority, and saying “young man, where’s your suit.” I looked into his eyes and sure enough, he was serious. I responded with a somewhat sarcastic remark about not owning one, pulled from his grip, and went on.

I know those people exist, but this time, I wanted to cry. I prayed that Stryder wouldn’t show up and meet him. I had told Stryder about the 800 or so people I worship with that would accept him, love him, and include him with little effort, but that there might be about 50 or so that are just like what he thinks they are…focused on rules, not him; focused on image, not hearts; focused on superficial expressions of devotions, not actual devotion.

But I also told Stryder that if he didn’t love those folks, too, then he becomes just like them. He understood deeply…said it would take time for him to do it, but that he totally gets that he needs to.

He might beat me to it.