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Australia is Changing in my Basement

17 October 2006
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“The message you preach about commitment to our Lord and all the cost that goes with it is not a peaceful message to the ears of the uncommitted who want to rest and enjoy this world. But hearts and souls among the believing as well as the unbelieving are hungry for the commitment you speak of. Ask Him to turn off all the voices but His.” – My Mom, 2 years ago

 

“This gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations.” – Jesus Christ,  2000 years ago

I write today because I am weak. I need to see people’s hearts coming alive, for some reason, for mine to stay alive. Like an immature kid who will quit something at the drop of a hat if he doesn’t get constant enticements and rewards and cheers from “dad” for performing, I confess that if I didn’t have a steady dose of “life from death” happening around me in a way that I can see it, I wonder if I would have the strength and perseverance to keep going.

 

But, praise God, He entices me regularly.

 

I have a guest in my house today named Drew. He is from Australia. He attends a church of 30 people in a Queensland town about the size of my town in Texas. He is in the 6th month of a 9 month journey, visiting churches and lectureships in order to be inspired for how he can be an effective part of “transitioning” his beloved fellowship over there a little bit more into the image of Christ.

 

He heard me speak at Harding’s Lectureship a few weeks ago, where I spoke about my obsession with Christ, and the hunger and thirst for Christ at the Southwest Church of Christ, and he asked to come visit group of people in Amarillo. Now he is here.

 

He experienced our worship service Sunday morning, a small group meeting Sunday night, and the Palo Duro Canyon today with my two youngest kids and myself. He’s not sleeping well, he informed my wife and I today, because his mind is running and running and he can’t stop it. He’s will be going home in January, he says, and with the end nearing, he is longing for a plan upon his return home. In addition to the clock ticking, he has experienced so much in his travels. So at night when he attempts to sleep in my basement, mind racing, he gets up with Bible, journal, and pencil in hand, to think, study, plan, and remember.

 

I didn’t preach, really, yesterday at the Southwest church. Six friends of mine did. They spoke of how getting into deeper, unmasked, unguarded friendship with each other has gotten them into deeper, unmasked, unguarded friendship with God, and that it has literally changed (saved?) their lives. If you want to hear them, it will cost you 15 minutes at www.southwest.org. Prepare yourself…you might find yourself jealous of the friendships these guys have found with each other.

 

And rightly so…for you were made to have them.

 

My new friend Drew was only one of hundreds present in Searcy when I had the incredible privilege of speaking about Christ. I know for a fact that the message of commitment to Christ that I preached created various responses. Some defensive, some agreeable, some neutral, some apathetic. But for at least one, it stirred up an audacious, bold request…”Can I come and meet these people who love Christ so much that you speak of?” And now he has met them, and he sits awake in my basement being inspired by God’s Spirit to write down how to join God in instigating a hunger for Christ in his brothers and sisters, and beyond, back home. 

 

I just have to pause as I imagine it: My basement has become a sacred cathedral during the nights while I sleep. When the lights go out, God gets Drew up and works and is active and is strategizing on yet-another-master-move in His Grand Scheme of breaking into the world with His Son’s Kingdom.

 

The far-off nation of Australia is being changed a little bit more into the image of Christ in my basement this week…in part, because my friends who help me be more like Christ preached this past Sunday, using their own lives as God’s “props” to show off how great He is, allowing me to preach about it 500 miles east of here in our own nation.

 

We are blessed. Very, very blessed.

 

May God bless Drew, for He has blessed me today through Drew.

Ready for Anything

3 October 2006
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“If your mind is clear and free from clutter, it is always ready for anything, which keeps it open to everything good.” — Sogyal Rinpoche

“For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.  So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything.” — James 1:3-4

I must admit that I am not usually ready for anything. But I want to be.

When I embrace the “testing of my faith”, rather than run from it, whine about it, roll my eyes at it, wait it out, or “get through it as quickly and painlessly as possible”, I find that the testing of my faith IS my life and it is increasing my capacity to experience life, which is what James means by having my “endurance fully developed”.

You know, it is so much work to swim against a river, or even to cross a river, than it is to dive headlong into it and let it take you where it’s going to take you…you’d think more people would just love the news that they can just “surrender and be” and they will end up where they are supposed to go.

And I am not talking about surrendering to the notorious “path of least resistance”. I am talking about surrendering to the “powerful surge” of the Holy Spirit of God. Which is always, always, always bidding you to come.

In the old movie, A River Runs Through It, the McLain brothers worked themselves and their 3 buddies up into a frenzy about spontaneously stealing a neighbors boat in order to go down to the river, get in, and conquer the infamous rapids that no one has ever attempted. They spoke with stars in their eyes about how famous the 5 of them would be if they did it and survived. It was enough for them all to go play a part in stealing the boat, driving to the river, unloading the boat, and hauling it all the way down to the river bank. But then they took another glance at the rapids and rocks and waterfalls…

It was enough to make them all pause and reconsider. Forget the stories that would be told if they survived, forget the glory of having attained such a feat, forget all the work invested up to this point…they couldn’t look at the risk and get in the water. Truth be told, they wanted to talk and act “as if” they wanted to do it, without actually doing it. They liked the appearance of being ready for anything, but weren’t actually so.

Three of them decided it wiser to stay out of the water. The McLain brothers, however, looked at each other and found the mutual courage to get in the boat . By doing so, they surrendered their fates to the powerful surge of the river.

Some of you will need to exit the analogy right here, because you will not be able to get past the ultimate meaninglessness of risking your life physically for such a silly thing as going down the rapids of a river when it is dangerous to do so. And that is sincerely okay, because ultimately, you are right.

It is the inner capacity to willingly face your fears on meaningful and worthy endeavors that I am trying to talk about. You are, in every single moment of your life, on the shore of some great, meaningful, and worthy endeavor that can not be undertaken unless you are willing, like the McLain brothers, to face the danger and the fears, and surrender to the current of God’s Spirit, come what may.

When was the last time you did that?

I would suggest, that the last time you did that, you felt the same as those McLain boys did on that river…afraid, exhilarated, out-of-control-with-no-one-to-blame-for-it-but-yourself, anticipating, focused, consumed…I bet you were fully engaged when you did it.

You know what is IMPOSSIBLE when you do this? Numbness, apathy, distraction, temptation, laziness, mind-wandering, pettiness, small-thinking, mediocrity, complaining about little things, gossip…basically, everything that most people are most of the time, is impossible when you willingly “get off the shore” and put your very life in the hands of Someone other than you.

Where the heck did I get the message, somewhere along the way, that living the Life of Christ was supposed to be a safe, well-planned, risk-assessed-and-managed life?

Every time I try to live a Christianity that makes sense, I find myself plummeting into all those things listed above that, for me, are equal to death. I become, at best, a Religious Zombie.

I am very blessed to be surrounded by a growing number of people who are learning to not just talk about the glory of diving into the river, not just take steps towards the river, not just look at the rapids and say “how cool would that be?”, but they are swallowing hard and taking that illogical, crazy step into the boat that simultaneously pushes them off of the shore, and settling in to the Powerful Ride ahead, come what may.

Like those McLain brothers, they are disappearing over the edge of the waterfalls…and the only thrill those 3 friends of theirs who were left behind have is watch in awe and see how it ends.

What James said above could be said in the negative this way: “When your faith test is avoided, your endurance is given no chance to grow. So avoid the testing whenever you are given the choice to, and when your endurance is only partially developed, you will be weak in character and ready for almost nothing.”

The Dreaded #3

13 September 2006
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“Seek out, write down, and then pay careful daily attention to the advice of whoever will ‘risk himself’ to truly love you, though you might not like the information at present.” — English Proverb

“The journey toward becoming more conscious is often more attractive in theory than it is in practice.“ — Carolyn Myss
 
“I was not ready for the manner in which that man could have changed my life.” — Graham Greene, on why he cancelled an appointment with Christian Mystic Padre Pio, even after waiting over 2 years to have it
 
“You can even find lots of people to applaud you, to exalt you, to make you feel better about yourself in the midst of your slow suicide.” — Jim Spivey
 
“Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” — Proverbs 27:6

For the people I run around with, the idea of constantly transforming more and more into the image of Christ is a romantic one. Many that I talk to about it feel like they have struck gold, so happy and fulfilled with an idea that both suggests 1) that they are okay and acceptable where they are at with no strings attached and 2) that there is the possibility of a promised land ahead where any and all ailments or suffering they are having may magically disappear as they “transform” out of it.
 
But there is a number 3 to this…and number 3 is not escapable for the soul that really wants the Abundant Life available to them. Number 3 is not optional (meaning you can NOT have the Life unless you do it), it is not avoidable (meaning there is NOT another way of going about it), and it is not transferable (meaning you can NOT have someone else do it). But many, many do opt out of, avoid, or transfer it, and then PRETEND that they have the Abundant Life.
 
You can tell the souls that really want the Abundant Life from the ones who just  like the idea of the Abundant Life by looking at who does and who doesn’t do number 3.
 
What is number 3? Death. It takes death. It takes suffering, submitting, risking everything, and death.
 
One of the many ways Jesus said it was, “You can not follow me unless you take up your cross.” He was talking about our ego’s death.
 
One of the many ways Paul described it was, “You must be a living sacrifice.” He was talking about our Self’s death.
 
Life comes from Death. It’s the paradox of the Universe. And even when we have intellectual agreement with this theory, we still can not see what there is in ourselves that needs to die.
 
Enter stage left: transforming friends. Friends who are committed to the Life. Friends who are committed to you having the Life. Friends who see helping you find and live the Life as part of the abundance of the Life they live. 
 
One of the most amazing things these friends get to experience with you is when you begin agreeing with the idea that there is “more to life in Christ” (which is ALWAYS true) and you begin talking about idea with excitement. 
 
One of the most daunting things these friends get to experience with you is when you decide that “the Life” you so want is not worth the “the Death” you must experience to get it. It is at this point that you find out just how much these transforming friends love you, as they fight for you, against you.
 
You’ll know these friends. They are the ones who seem to have an untouchable joy even when you do your best to deter them from pointing you into the “practice” of the “theory” of Abundant Life in Christ. Even when your flesh fights tooth and nail against the discomfort and suffering that is a natural and necessary part of the path to Abundant Life, they just stay there, willing to suffer for you and because of you, just for the chance that you will walk into the riskiness mandatory for your Spirit to feel Alive. They will stay and suffer for you, sometimes fighting against you, risking themselves and their own comfort for you, submitting even unto death so that you can have life.
 
Just like Jesus did for humanity on the cross.
 
Something else Jesus said, “Greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for a friend.”
 
If you have one of these friends…uncomfortable, loving, confronting, grace-filled friends who seem to get find fulfillment in loving others into their own Abundant Life…consider carefully the cost of “breaking your appointment” with them.
 
Some people don’t go to church because they are not ready for the manner in which church might change their lives. Other people have mastered the art of going to church faithfully, still managing to avoid the life change that those who aren’t going are afraid of.
 
Neither one of them are avoiding “church attendance”. They are avoiding the people who really are the Church that is actually of Christ…because they are like Christ in how they ruin people’s lives for their good and God’s glory.
 
 
 

Confessions

31 August 2006
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“There is no refuge from confession but suicide; and suicide is confession.” – Daniel Webster
 
 
 
“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.” – St. James in James 5:16

While spending 3 days in the beautiful Christ in the Desert Monastery 4 weeks ago, the combination of silence, solitude, the reading of St. John of the Cross’ “Dark Night of the Soul”, combined with my intentional desire to be rid of subtle sin in my life and exploded into a pretty continual self-awareness of my secret sins popping up within me while I was there.
 
I kept opening to the back cover of my book, and recorded each “Episode of Conviction”, and the circumstances there that surfaced it, so as not to lose sight of each one. I wanted to document my desire to be rid of these sins that are distracting and hindering me from truer righteousness and Christ-likeness.
 
So here are my Eight Confessions of Subtle Sin: I am sorrowful for…
 
1) …for noticing the “audience” watching me. I had submitted myself to the schedule and routine of the monastic life while I was there. During one of the 7 daily community prayer times, where I joined the Monks for their Gregorian Chantings of the Psalms, I caught myself caring about how spiritual I appeared to these monks.
 
2) …for wanting to be some great teacher of others vs.. only a learner of God. Maybe this doesn’t sound like an evil to you, but that’s why I’m calling it “subtle sin”. Even if I’m teaching others great truthful things, and their lives are being increasingly “saved” and transformed all the time, if I value my effective teaching of others over God Himself, I have made my work for God my idol. Subtle…but real.
 
3)) …for wanting to “bless my team back home” with quotes from my readings and meditations with my own “wise” insight for them. Maybe this doesn’t sound like an evil to you. But you have to understand that this was dedicated time with God for my good and His glory in my own learning. To be “learning in order to teach” sabotages my being with and knowing God more intimately.
 
4) …for feeling a sense of spiritual superiority when ‘day guests’ came into the monastery to look around. I’m so ashamed of how quickly I latched onto the sin of ranking people by some superficial (even if it’s disguised in spiritual) standard in order to feel better about myself. It’s like one cockroach looking at another and feeling superior to him because he only scavenges food from the carpet, and not the nasty tile floor.
 
5) …for being afraid that my journey towards every-increasing intimacy with God would ruin me as a preacher/minister. This one might require you reading “Dark Night of the Soul” by St. John of the Cross. He talks of a singular esteem for God that, once it grips your heart and your singular love, changes and annihilates everything of the flesh. Quite frankly, there are things about me that I DO like, and I depend on, and it scares me to try to be something without them.
 
6) …for pride of placement in the eyes of others that such spiritual insight would give me. It has taken me weeks to write this email because of (my laziness and) this one. The people who I care about respecting me are the ones who respect my honesty, self-awareness, humility, and vulnerability-regardless-of-the-cost. So to be humble and confessional for the purpose of being respected by some for doing so is something I don’t want diluting God’s work in me and through me.
 
7) …for having the appearance of a “singular-esteem” for Christ in order to stand out among men. These are all starting to sound the same to me, a little bit. But as I got a new definition of what “singular esteem” for God looks like, I realized I don’t have one relative to Christ and to others more advanced in this area. This humility forced me to see that in my world, I appear to have a singular esteem for Christ relative to the people I am around (not in all areas, by any means, but in this one). I made this confession to remember to evaluate myself only relative to Christ, so that I will stay humble and useful among men in His name.
 
8) …for spiritual satisfaction (arrogance) felt when Brother Markus (a monk I had the honor of doing manual labor with each day) told me that 1) he had not visited with guest in such a spiritually connected way, 2) that God might be using me to tell him to do something personally and spiritually significant to him, and 3) that he might come for a visit in Amarillo at my house when he has a chance. Nuff said, really. Something puffed up in me, I’m once again ashamed to say, when I felt useful and respected by this monk. I am truly pitiful.
 
But God loves me, and from that I get all of my value. I only desire to be rid of these revealed sins and move on to my struggle with removing the next ones. It is an astounding and life-giving journey, even when it is hard.
 
Because of what James said in his letter, I’m calling all “righteous men” out there to pray for me so that I may be healed.
 
May God bless us all.
 
 

FW: The nature of transformation

22 August 2006
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For Sunday?

From: Jim Spivey [mailto:jspivey@revolutionconsulting.com]
Sent: Tuesday, July 25, 2006 6:02 AM
To: Jim Spivey RC
Subject: The nature of transformation
“Transformation happens when God’s desires clash with our ego’s desires, and God’s wins, much to our unexpected benefit and delight, but you will NEVER experience transformative change in areas you won’t allow to be confronted.”

                                                                                                                                                — Rob Thompson

Yes, it’s true.  Transformation requires confrontation, and most simply won’t allow it, until after we’ve suffered enough or caused enough suffering.  We often claim that we want to change, but then when the pathway to change is placed right before our feet and lighted, we turn and walk the other way, often claiming ignorance or blind victimhood.  I can’t tell you how many people I’ve heard say, “I just don’t know.”, when after a few moments of further direct questioning it is clear that they DO know, they just won’t own what they know, and then refuse to do anything about it.  There is nothing to do about that but wait.  God has a uniquely personal way of bringing our inner conflict to the surface.  And it’s nothing overt; it’s simply in the design.  For me, it’s been “anxiety attacks,” a form of living death.  And it never fails to deliver the goods.  I stop resisting; the clash occurs; He wins. Thank God. 

Jim Spivey
Revolution Consulting
2219 McDuffie
Houston, TX  77019
(713) 854-4848
www.revolutionconsulting.com
 
“helping people come ALIVE, and thrive,
in their personal and business relationships”
 
check out my daily coaching journal at:
http://www.revolutionconsulting.com/blogger.htm

How To Serve God Without Pleasing Him

15 August 2006
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“Our lives improve only when we take bold, outrageous chances — and the first and clearly most difficult risk we can take is to be brutally honest with ourselves.” — Walter Truett Anderson
 
“Without faith it is impossible to please God.” – Hebrews 11:6
 

“What if there were two doors to choose from; behind one door was the complete will of God for your life and behind the other door was how life could be according to your own preference. Which door would you choose?” — unknown, but forwarded to me by my friend Roman McCoy

 
It’s a tougher question than it may first appear.
 
To choose door #1, the Complete Will of God, would mean to shut the door on my own choosing, which feels like prison to my flesh and ego. But the Promise of this door is to not ever again have to be the one responsible what I “should” do, yet the right and best thing is always done by me, which feels like freedom to my heart.
 
To choose door #2, My Complete Will, would mean to open the door of designing my life according to what I think is right and best, which feels like freedom to the flesh and ego. But the Curse of this door is that I have to give up the guarantees and blessings that will only come from God, which (if true) feels like prison to the heart.
 
Door #1 takes unlikely faith. It’s like signing up for slavery, totally surrendering to a Slave Master, hoping that life under His rule is better and more meaningful than what I can design myself. No wonder so few take this narrow road! From the flesh’s and ego’s perspective, it is absolute insanity!
 
But without faith, it is impossible to please God.
 
On a skeptical note: I see so many God-followers trying to please God without exerting anything coming close to resembling faith. Many more who aren’t really trying to please God, but hope against hope that their puny expressions of religion, which take no faith at all, will qualify them for a rich life after death so that they continue seamlessly the rich life they have designed for themselves before death.
 
On a hopeful note: But I also see so many life-cravers laying down their lives with faith…actual and improbable faith. You’ll notice them. They are the ones with fire in their eyes, spring in their step, suffering in their flesh, and joy in their heart. They are untouchable by any human skeptic, and reaching out touching every human being. They are like God in this way. They are like Christ.
 
I don’t want to be over-dramatic, but please pray for us at the Southwest Church of Christ in Amarillo, TX. Something wonderful and life-giving is happening here, by the grace of God, but our ego’s and our flesh is battling against it with all their strength, screaming (with the urgency of a mom who’s 2-year-old just started running towards a street with a car coming) that we are idiots for making a bold and intention-filled move towards Door #1.
 
I don’t want me and my family of Christ-followers up here to be busting our butts serving God without it being the kind of service that pleases Him. What a waste of time that would be! Pleasing Him is the key to my life. So the key to my life is doing only the things that require faith. And key to giving life to others is to invite them to make decisions that also require faith.
 
The ancients were commended for “being sure of what they hoped for and certain of what they did not see” (Hebrews 11:1-2). In other words, they were commended for what we would call insanity. It’s fine line, this one between faith and insanity, and our fear of the latter keeps way too many of us from ever experiencing the former.
 
God help us. Yours is the only commendation I want.
 
 

The Futility of Preaching

10 August 2006
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“Beginners feel such passion about divine things and are so devoted to their spiritual practices! Sometimes they presume to teach, rather than learn.” – St. John of the Cross in Dark Night of the Soul 
 
“Our bodily sense is slow because it is bodily sense and is bounded by the physical. It is sufficient for the purpose for which it is made, but it is quite incapable of grasping and holding things as they run on their appointed way from their beginnings to their endings.” — St. Augustine in Confessions
 
“Open your heart to him and with great trust abandon yourself to him…O most devoted Jesus, you are the source of all our hearts’ secrets and you dwell in the hearts of those who love you.” — Thomas a’ Kempis in On the Passion of Christ
 
Horses that live in the wild are linked up, in my mind, with unreal beauty, incredible strength, blazing speed, and unrestrained freedom. Wild horses summon images (I’ll blame it mostly on movies that I’ve seen) of both enticing mystery and tranquil peace.
 
Imagine a large (but not too large) fenced in area out in the wilderness containing well over 1,500 of these wild horses….Horses that had somehow been tricked into this unnatural pen. Imagine this unheard of number of brilliant creatures being in this trapped condition long enough for all of them to be going stir crazy, the prison being so unnatural and disturbing for them. Imagine that the creators of this bondage had no real plans for the amazing animals, pinning this mass of energy and power because they thought surely it would come in handy or be valuable to them somehow, some day.
 
Imagine stumbling upon this unusual and disturbing site. Imagine some powerful hand throwing open wide the gates of this pen, and that every one of the hundreds of stallions instantly “felt” their freedom at hand and, with all of their strength and glory, simultaneously and unanimously sprinted out of the fence and out into the wilderness freedom where they belong. Running and running, unable to stop as their hearts are unleashed along with their legs.
 
Imagine somehow getting to steal away on one of the backs of these stupendous horses during this emotional and physical release of excitement and energy. Imagine feeling the power of this massive exodus…any one of these creatures represents far too much power for you to handle…but imagine getting to ride with them, as an invited guest of the horses, as they refuse to stop enjoying their regained freedom by slowing down.
 
Can you imagine? Just to see such a collection of horses in the pen would be a life-long memorable event. Just to be standing in the distant woods to only hear the thundering sound of them running would be a life-long memorable event. Just to be above then on a cliff to watch them pass by like running water would be a life-long memorable event. Just to be within 500 yards and feel the ground pulsate underneath your feet would be a life-long memorable event. But to BE WITH THEM FOR THE RIDE? We can only imagine such a thing. So, thank God, we have imagination and can have a taste of the experience of such things.
 
But once you do imagine the experience, I then want you to imagine reigning one of those powerful horses in, attaching a plow behind it, getting on it’s saddled back and then making a measurable, real, tangible, and visible groove in a plot of dirt. Imagine that you are doing so in order to explain what your experience was when you were riding like the wind in the midst of that thundering herd.
 
Strange request, perhaps. Most would agree it to be an impossible assignment.
 
This is often how I feel in my job as a preacher or teacher. I have this incredible life of getting to know God, and if I have the least bit of success at doing so, it is such an overwhelmingly powerful and emotional and mind-blowing experience that I have difficulty knowing where to start in trying to communicate it through the humble means of a sermon series, or a Bible Class, or a devotional talk. Quite frankly, it’s partially why I haven’t been writing often to this (most beloved) list of people in my life on email. I have trouble knowing where to start, what story to tell, or which “stream” of thought to put my boat in and float down with you.
 
To tame just one of those horses would be hard work enough (and forget about asking it to behave indoors behind a pulpit or podium). And to saddle him so I could ride him before a crowd would seem almost cruel for such a noble steed (not to mention it would feel like an unappreciative, maybe even treacherous act, after being his guest for such an experience). And to attach the heavy plow and make a mark in the dirt, while it would be visible, explainable, and done slowly enough for an audience to understand what is happening, would fall utterly short of describing even one little detail of the experience I had.
 
I spent 3 days in a monastery last week with a bunch of men who have decided to throw in the towel on trying to teach about what they know of God, and instead indulge in the incredible ride of just being with Him in every moment of every day, and while with Him, pray to Him that the world would know Him, too.
 
Many of you have asked me, “what do those monks do all day?” and “where is the mission of Christ in what they are doing?” and “what Kingdom difference are they making on actual people in the world?” Good questions, all of them.
 
[For a moment, let’s put aside the 3 guys I quoted at the beginning of this email and the millions of actual people in the world that their writings have had significant Kingdom impact on (2 of which were either actual monks or reclusive enough to have a monks lifestyle, and the third contemplative enough to be one as well.]
 
But before we let them answer, let’s you ask the same question of yourself, as I am of myself…”What do I do all day?” and “Where is the mission of Christ in what I am doing?” and “What Kingdom difference am I making on actual people in the world?”
 
The monks would answer confidently (and Biblically), “To love God with all our hearts, souls, minds, and strength is the greatest thing a man can do, according to Jesus Christ. So we spend all of hearts, souls, minds, and strength doing just that. And loving others as ourselves is just as important, according to Jesus Christ, and the greatest thing we can do for our neighbors is go to our God on their behalf in prayer and petition. And while we are with Him, we are doing just that.”
 
Okay, so there’s way more to this powerful “wild horse ride” than this one thought, as I hope you are gathering from my parable. It goes beyond the monastery visit, beyond the thoughts I’m presenting, beyond what I can even get my own heart, soul, mind, or strength around. Such as it is with God.
 

Getting to know God is linked up, in my mind, with unreal beauty, incredible strength, blazing speed, and unrestrained freedom. And his exact representative, Jesus Christ, summons images in my mind (I’ll blame it mostly on my hearts apparent undying need of him) of both enticing mystery and tranquil peace.

 
Maybe one day, I, too will get to indulge in Practicing the Presence of God (A book title, by the way, of another monkish-type dude name Brother Lawrence) as my full-time vocation. But as impossible as it is, I love the current assignment that He has given to me of trying to teach about it.
 
May God bless us.
 
 
 
 

Ethan’s Mission

21 June 2006
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“Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” – Jesus
I met a little girl named Hadley today. She’s about a day and half old right now, was born premature, and with some pretty serious health problems. I looked at her in a glass box in a Neonatal ICU. She is beautiful. Really. I’m not just saying it because she’s a baby.
 
She had to make it in the womb of her mom until yesterday to have a fighting chance for survival. She made it…but not without help, and not without great sacrifice.
 
Hadley had a brother named Ethan growing in that womb right next to her. Early in the pregnancy, Ethan had even more serious health problems than Hadley. Something happened in his little body (I think it had to do with his bladder) that was lethal.
 
Even though his little body probably couldn’t make it, Hadley really needed his brother to keep living, and his heart to continue beating long enough to make it to yesterday, or she probably wouldn’t make it either.
 
I got to sit next to the bed of these two kid’s beautiful mom this morning. Her son only lived a short time after the delivery, but long enough for his parents to meet him and hold him and know him.
 
This awesome family gets to live the rest of their lives knowing that Ethan was no mistake, and really no tragedy. Ethan was sent to accompany Hadley into this world, and to help her make it safely. This was Ethan’s mission.
 
Someone (I can’t remember who) told me of the touching scene of mom and dad holding the sweet and beautiful body of their son, and mom whispering to him, “Thank you, son, for bringing us Hadley.”
 
I can picture Ethan’s spirit, strong and secure and perfect, standing in that room looking on this powerful scene and the beginning of the beautiful fruit of his short life, and whispering back to his beloved mom with a giddy and satisfied smile on his face, “You’re welcome, mom. Thank you and dad for having us.”
 
The nurses wisely took a picture of the twins together. Those pictures are now beloved treasures…a permanent record and tribute to Ethan’s mission that he fulfilled totally, completely, and successfully.
 
How blessed Hadley is to already have had a friend and brother that can express to her no greater love. And to have parents who are ready to receive her who will do the same thing.
 
I can just see Ethan looking up into the eyes of His Heavenly Father, who with a loving smile is whispering words to him, too: “Well done, good and faithful servant.”
 
May all of us end our lives as faithfully as Ethan.
 
May God bless this family, and this beautiful and emotional beginning.

8 June 2006
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I met a guy named Tony this week.
 
Tony was walking funny, like he was injured. I asked him what was up. He told me that 13 days ago, he gave his kidney to his dad, who was in need of a transplant.
 
I perked up instantly, and heard myself say to him, “You did? No way! That is cool!” I wasn’t sure that this was appropriate, but I said it before I thought about it (a semi-common mistake of mine).
 
Tony put his head down with a satisfying smile, thankfully, and then looked up and said, “Yeah…it was cool.”
 
I asked him all about it, and he graciously gave me the details. His look told me he was wondering why I was so on the edge of my seat about his special gift to his dad. Maybe you are, too.
 
Well, about 2 1/2 years ago (right, dad?), my dad found out he was in need of kidney transplant. He went onto dialysis, and onto a waiting list.
 
It hit me hard when I thought of all the unknowns about donating a kidney. But when my dad told me, I said (somewhat reluctantly, and full of fear of the unknown, but wanting to do the right thing), “Dad, I’ll give you kidney.” And then I waited for his response…
 
I didn’t wait long. As if he had prepared his answer for such an offer from any of his sons, he said, “Nope. I’ll be fine on dialysis.” And then in his usual, unstoppable optimism (a trait that I am so grateful to have inherited from him in double portion), he added, “All the signs say that I’m a great candidate for a transplant before too long. I’ll be just fine.”
 
He then added, “You may need your second one later.”
 
At the time I didn’t argue with dad. My fear of the implications of the voluntary surgery right then in the heat of the moment prevented me from being stubborn about it. Even though I think I told my dad ‘thank you’, I don’t think I ever told anyone how very relieved I was with his response.
 
In a talk I did on the very next Father’s Day, I replayed this story to my church family, saying, “It was out of deep love for my dad that I offered him my kidney, and it was out of my dad’s deep love for me that he refused it.”
 
But something triggered in me when I met Tony. I imagined the same interaction between him and his dad, but 13 days ago, they had a very different outcome play out. I can imagine Tony getting up and saying at his church, “It was out of deep love for my dad that I offered him my kidney, and it was out of my dad’s deep love for me that he accepted it.” I don’t think that Tony’s dad loved his son any more or less by receiving the offer. And I don’t think my dad loves me any more or less by refusing mine.
 
(SIDE NOTE: I am grateful for whoever donated their kidney to my dad. I guess in a weird sort of way, that person donated the kidney to me. Because I wouldn’t have two of them if it wasn’t for them.)
 
Okay, so if it is true that it is the thought that counts, then I gave my dad a kidney. But Tony has a scar on his side that I don’t have, and is doing healing from his gift that I didn’t do. Not that I needed any more evidence, but this showed me once again that I don’t think it is the thought alone that counts.
 
I wonder if, when I told Tony that my dad refused mine, if something triggered in him?
 
I wonder if my dad had any feelings of unworthiness at receiving such a gift from me? I wonder if Tony had any feelings of wonder at why his dad wouldn’t refuse his? Neither of us even thought to talk about this stuff as we were celebrating the unity we had at the opportunity of giving such a special and sacrificial gift to our fathers, who we love. In the end, we both got to love our dad’s with the same offer, and we both received love from our dad’s in different ways.
 
In an episode of the current hit TV show, LOST, one of the dudes had a flashback to an interaction with his long-lost dad, who faked deep love for his long lost son who he tracked down because he was in need of a kidney. He emotionally manipulated his son into the operating room, disappeared from the hospital as soon as it was over, and again removed himself from his son’s life. It was desperately painful to watch such pain inflicted on a son by a Father, especially in the under the guise of love.
 
I guess Tony just made me long for the blessing of actually loving my dad through actual sacrifice of myself. And it was neat to see someone who did it for his dad.
 
I praise God for the opportunity Tony and I had to offer ourselves to our dad’s, who love us deeply right back.
 
Not that I’m hoping for it, but next time, dad, I might argue with you a little bit.
 
I love you and thank you for yours.

How Jesus Transforms…How I Join Him

5 June 2006
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Disciple: I am such an incompetent weakling. Why would you invest in me when I promise to be so difficult, so resistant, so ungrateful, and so quick to turn against you?
 
Master: Because I believe in you. Your difficulties, resistances, ingratitude, and momentary betrayals have nothing to do with me. They have to do with you not seeing what God sees in you. But I have eyes that can see nothing else.
 
Disciple: How will you get me past my limiting beliefs? My wounds? My fears? My defensiveness? I have seen how horribly these things control me.
 
Master: I will stay with you through it all. Until you can see what I see.
 
Disciple: What if I say no? What if I refuse you outright? What if my fear and pride make me choose the life of pretending and call it freedom?
 
Master: I will stay with you through it all. Until you can see what I see.
 
Disciple: What if I spitefully rebel against you to get you to leave me alone? What if I rally others and convince them that your “ways” are not good and I get a whole army of people to agree with me?
 
Master: I will stay with you through it all. Until you can see what I see.
 
Disciple: What if I attack you outright? What if I kill you for wanting to change me? And what if I get many others to agree to help me?
 
Master: I will die willingly at your hand. It is not in me to fight you, or hurt you, or defend myself against you. And my submission to death by your own hand will be the ultimate proof to you that I will stay with you through it all. Until you can see what I see.
 
Disciple: But you will be gone. What if, instead of being inspired by your humble submission to an inferior, I pridefully think that I was right? You will be gone. What will you do then.
 
Master: I will rise from the dead. And I will stay with you through it all. Until you can see what I see.
 
Disciple: Teacher, you are much to high of a creature to do such things for a lowly man such as me! Why would you do such a horrible and wonderful thing?
 
Master: Because I am Truth and I am Love. I am incapable of doing any other thing.
 
Disciple: Depart from me, Lord, for I am a sinful man! I can not bear the thought of walking through this fire that will come if I stay with you! It is too much for me!
 
Master: It is too much for you, but it is not too much for me. I will stay with you through it all. I will bear it all. Until you can see what I see. Walk into the fire that you work so hard to avoid. It is a consuming fire, able to burn away all your sins. It is a refining fire, able to shape you into my own image. It is a painful fire, to be sure, but it is good. And soon, my disciple, you will lead others into this same fire, those I will send you to.
 
Disciple: And what am I to do then?
 
Master: You are to do then to them, what I am doing now to you. You are to give up everything and be my disciple. You are to be Truth and Love. You are to be incapable of doing any other thing. My promise to you is that it will be life, and it will be life to the full.
 
Disciple: This is a hard thing to believe, Teacher. And you believe this to be true for everyone?
 
Master: Do you want to leave?
 
Disciple: Where would I go? You have the words of eternal life. My heart stirs when you speak. My mind races when you talk. My soul swells at the sound of your voice. My strength returns only when I listen to you. Speak, Lord, your servant is listening.
 
 
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