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On Change

19 June 2007
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“I think we severely underestimate how committed we are to remaining the same.” – Yours Truly
 
 
And the capacity we have to manipulate ourselves into staying that way is gargantuan.
 
Seriously…how much of your conversation is a defense of who or how you are? Oh, you are talking about various things and issues and people…but just under the surface of that is where I want us to check. How much of what you say and do, out loud to others and in your mind to yourself, is really a defense against healthy evaluation and change?
 
And this is not about feeling guilty, or defending yourself from thoughts that make you feel guilty. The very idea of being able to have serious thoughts of change, without guilt, is one of the very changes that we are so committed to not making.
 
You are holy and you are being made holy, the Scripture says. You are faithful and are called to be more faithful, it proclaims. You are saved, and you are working out your salvation, the letters record. Your eternal life is secure as a follower of Christ, and your life is constantly transforming into his image as a follower of Christ. I think of some of the Kings of old being crowned King as children. They are the King, and they are becoming the King. How silly it would be for him to feel guilty as a child when he makes a mistake that isn’t very “kingly”. How wasteful of time would it be for him to dwell on the guilt he feels because of the instructions, guidance, or help of someone who wants nothing but to lovingly help him grow up into “kingliness”.
 
It is our flesh, defending how we are, trying to keep us the same, that does such things.
 

How likely is it that you will get up tomorrow and do something significantly and core-level different, even if you set your mind to do so only for one day? And are you aware of how you feel when it is even suggested that it might be a good idea?

 
How noble are my plans! They are high and mighty, with my eyes set to the summit of Christ-likeness as my ideal and real goal! And, oh, how I manipulate myself out of taking my next courageous step towards it. Why? Because I would have to change. Really change.
 
And I think I really underestimate how committed I am to staying the same.
 
“Unless you change you will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven.” — Jesus Christ
 
For some, the waiting game is just gonna have to do. They will endure this life as it comes and as they are…waiting and longing for Heaven. For others, they want it to be here on earth as it is in Heaven. They want the kingdom’s rule now. They will USE this life…to shape them and forge them into living the Kingdom now…here on earth as it is in Heaven.
 
Most days, I am the latter. But I will have to fight against the gravity of the earth, the gravity of the dark kingdom of status quo, and the gravity of most of the people around me in my life…and change…if I want to enter it.
 
You?

Resist him.

7 June 2007
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“Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.“ – St. Peter

“Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.“ – St. James
 

“If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!“ – Solomon
 
“I have never seen anything like this.” – tour guide in the video, and what the world should be saying when they see the church family in action on their behalf 
We live in a world at war.
 
The attacks seem to come from land and water, don’t they? From the front and behind. Life, in the highest sense of the word, seems lost and elusive. Attacked and on the brink of death…and feeling so alone.
 
Where is Christ? Where is he? Where are his people? Where are they? As tentative and as scared as we are of losing our own life in the process, Christ moves in and us and through us as a body, a family, an army, a mob (if you like) — FULL OF POWER. The power to act. The power to support. The power to resist. The power to fight. The power to save.
 
Check out this video (it lasts 8 minutes, but is worth it) as a visual parable right from nature of what life is often like (in the surprise attacks of our prowling enemy) and what God intends the church family to be for the “least of these” (which is each and every one of us at some point). 
 
“At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them. But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength… And I was delivered from the lion’s mouth. The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To him be glory for ever and ever. Amen.“ – St. Paul 

My Friend Lost a Son

29 May 2007
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My friend lost a son today.
 
I just came from my living room with my elbows on my knees, my head between my hands, and tears dropping between my feet. My 2 sons and daughter sleeping peacefully just a few feet away, I was thinking of my friend in a hospital hours away, mourning, in shock, and caring for his two sons and daughter, who just lost a brother, and two of them also injured from the tragic auto accident.
 
For Memorial Day, my whole family drove, too. We went to the Palo Duro Canyon and hiked up rocky trails, went through caves, walked along steep ridges. We swam in shallow but not transparent water, where a kid is completely hidden from view if he stoops over and dips his head under. And my whole family drove home from our Memorial Day festivities, too.
 
Additionally, my wife and I made and received several phone calls sweeping us up into the drama of life, some of our own making, and some from the lives of those we love. The dramas of hurt feelings, subtle insecurities, embedded fears, passive-aggressive social manipulations, who-does-what-for-who-and-what-that-means, ego issues and reputation maintenance, while all very real issues (and helpful guideposts) for helping each other know where we need healing in our hearts and more abundant life, just fade to the background and get overshadowed on those days when my friend loses a son.
 
In light of such tragic clarity, I’m compelled to impatiently and intolerantly give everyone in the world these pieces of blunt and helpful advice, in hopes that they truly are non-negotiable gifts of uncompromising truth that are attainable no matter how much we want to argue otherwise in our less-clear moments (which, sadly, are most of our moments), and also in hopes that I will settle back into being a more grace-full counselor, guide, minister and coach once the exacting impact of this particular day is lost to me, blended into the woodwork of “my past” (which I wish would not happen):
 
Forgive everyone of everything now.
Never care if you someone else is preferred over you, ever.
Repay evil with kindness every single time you are wronged.
Love everyone. Everyone.
Fight for everyone’s heart. Everyone’s.
Stop hiding.
Withhold nothing from your spouse, your kids, and your parents.
Stop lying. And stop believing that “not telling the whole truth” isn’t lying.
Use every single dollar you ever have stewardship of to bless others.
Say “I love you” way too much.
Show “I love you” way too much.
Be with those you love way too much and poor, rather than away from them a little and rich.
LISTEN!
If you must talk, talk about what matters.
Respect everyone. Everyone.
If you don’t look at your kids and marvel, figure out what is wrong with you.
Get over yourself and become a “hugger”.
Walk slowly through the crowd.
Stop being offendable.
Believe.
Be still without being asleep.
Be present without having to be noticed.
Notice without having to be reminded.
Say the negative things after you have exhausted everything you can say that is encouraging to anyone.
Find yourself in every single other person’s flaws, that you may love them.
Accept suffering as a gift, that you may leave nothing wasted.
Think the best of all people, that you may be a blessing.
Humble yourself constantly, that you may be lifted up, and not by yourself.
Receive anything good at all as undeserved grace, that you may be a lover of God, and a benefit to those closest to you and to all mankind.
 
Think of my friend, for a longer amount of time than you have right now. Think of him hugging his wife. Think of him next to his daughter’s hospital bed. Think of his tears mixing with his other sons tears. He lost a son today. Starting today, and not by choice, he will feel a little bit more compassion for what our Father in Heaven endured in order to love the world and rescue us from ourselves. 
 
Glorify God by becoming more like Him. We are all driving somewhere with our loved ones today.
 
 

A Few Special Days

24 May 2007
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Me: “Hey, son. Did you know that you have 3 more days of school and then it’s summer?”
Shade: “Yes. And the 3 days are special days, too.”
– A conversation between me and my oldest son, when I wanted to fuel his excitement about school ending
“For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two.”
– St. Paul, when faced with the excitement of his life ending
It caught me off guard.
I assumed that Shade would be totally focused on his last day of school, and the freedom represented by leaving Belmar Elementary’s doors one final time (at least for 3 months).
But instead, he quickly acknowledged that while he is looking forward to it, he is a little bit more focused – and a little bit more excited – about the special days he has between know and then.
What wisdom. My children are my greatest teachers.
See, Shade just new that exciting things were coming in each of his remaining days at school. He had a field trip to the Zoo planned for Monday, a special lunch out at “the new McDonalds” with his favorite teacher Mrs. Borger on Tuesday, and a special assembly and Awards Ceremony (which is another story) today. While Shade loves to speak of the coming freedom from school, known to him best through the word “summer”, he had more impending excitements to consider. And they came first. “Special days,” he called them, that resided between now and then.
I couldn’t help but hear echoes of the Apostle Paul in the book of Philippians. He longed to experience what my friend Brad has recently called “The Ultimate Healing”, known to Christians best through the word “death”. He longed for the flesh suit to be discarded, the assaulting war-zone that he exists in to be escaped, and for his eternal reward of perfected union with God, known best to him through the word “salvation”, to be ultimately experienced.
But he was torn.
He had “special days” between now and then that he didn’t want to miss. “Fruitful labor” that brings such sweet satisfaction to his heart. He had “joy” to deliver to others that could only be delivered to them by him remaining in the flesh (i.e.: not dying yet). Which would he choose if he had the choice? He did not know.
I felt like that sometimes in school, growing up. I always longed for the freedom of summer, but I also wanted to enjoy the “special days” that could only be had by being in the school year. Looking back, it was when I focused on the negative aspects of school (homework, research papers, getting up early, Mrs. Morris’ incompetence, Mr. Byrd’s militant ways, social struggles) that I would just do nothing but wish for the escape of summer.
But it was when I was focused on the specialness of school (meeting new people, building friendships, soccer games, soccer practice, teammates, getting in shape, drama class, computer lab, being invested in by conscientious teachers, belonging, school spirit) that I would acknowledge the attractiveness and hope that is available to me through the promise of summer, but would soak up everything there was for me in the “special days” between now and then.
I believe this is available to all human beings. The glory and hope of ultimate union with Christ that will come with the follower of Christ’s life, but the equally enjoyable and glorious nature of all the “special days” in between this day and that.
Which would you choose? Which do you choose?
Which would I choose? I do not know. I can’t wait for the intimacy that I am constantly learning to enjoy in ever-increasing measure to culminate in whatever exciting ways that it will upon my death. But, doggone it, I’m busy enjoying the ever-increasing nature of it, too. And I’m enjoying watching it happen in my wife, and my 3 precious kids, and in the co-workers and Shepherd’s I get to work with, and in the other people who God brings into my life! I’m enjoying the idealism, intimacy, and depth that allowing God to forge me into Christ’s image brings! I want the struggle of learning how to deliver that to my children better and better, how to let God deliver it to me through my wife and friends. I love this life.
For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. Which would I choose?
I’m so glad it’s not on us. I am glad I can just enjoy the few “special days” in school with all my heart, living in the present moment, and wringing life out of it…knowing full well that when those are done, “summer” will hit with all it’s freedom, life and glory.
Shade loved his trip to the zoo. He had a blast with his special teacher Mrs. Borger. I attended his Awards Ceremony this morning, and he was elated. And I bet his diving into the “joys of school” will not steal one bit of his excitement when he bursts out the doors of Belmar exclaiming, “Summer is here!”
May we all live such rich lives. Abundant lives. Hope-filled lives. Lives of Christ.


A New Level of Humility

22 May 2007
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“How long will you refuse to humble yourself before me?” – God
“Humility is impossible for the insecure.” – Yours Truly
“Humility is impossible for weak.” – Yours Truly
“Humility is impossible for those who have something to prove.” – Yours Truly
“Humility is impossible for for the fear-full.” – Yours Truly
“Humility is impossible for the bitter.” – Yours Truly
“Humility is impossible for he who must be acknowledged as right.” – Your Truly
 
“I tell you the truth, unless you change and become [humble] like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” – Jesus Christ
 
Coming from a religious culture that tied my salvation primarily to 1) believing accurate truth, 2) behaving accurately moral, and 3) and doing the accurate things during “church” has embedded in me the illusion of needing to be right.
 
Christ’s demand for humility has really confronted this illusion. And the more I focus on the practice of Christ’s humility, the more peaceful and untouchable it seems my spirit becomes. Interesting thing is, the more peaceful and untouchable my spirit becomes, the deeper I’m allowed to see into my inner being…at which point, I get to see just how deep my insecurities, fears, and weaknesses are embedded.
 
This is no longer bad news to me, it is merely an objective truth about being human. The commonly perceived “curse” of having the light shone upon our deeper weaknesses and fears is in reality the “blessing” of having those fears and weaknesses penetrated and healed. But, oh, how we avoid the light. And, oh, how we excuse ourselves from allowing this Light of Life from entering in. Either with “productive business” or “slavery to others” and sometimes even with very dutiful and religious works.
 
What do I gain from being right? From winning an argument? From shielding my insecurities? What, truly, have I gained when I’ve proved someone else the fool, and vindicated myself? What gift is it when the “fellowship of the moment” hears me and agrees? Or hears someone else and disagrees because of me?
 
What do I gain when I show myself to be right against my wife about some nuanced detail concerning yesterdays history that was the source of a heated debate this morning? What do I lose when I was mistaken?
 
Humility steals whatever gain there is to be had from such things, which turns out to always be very little and very worthless anyway. And it replaces it with unspeakable and bottomless blessing and glory. Biblically stated, humility delivers the Kingdom of Heaven and it’s transcendent, untouchable, and peaceful ways.
 
The old song still rings in ears, “Lord, its hard to be humble, when you’re perfect in every way.” 
 
That kind of perfection is way overrated. We should stop fighting against humility in order to protect the illusion of it, and instead embrace humility in order to lean ever-more into the real kind…Christ-likeness.

Born Again?

10 May 2007
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“I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again.” —  Jesus Christ
The guy he was speaking to, Nicodemus, had no category of religion or spirituality that explained what Jesus meant.
 
Most of us don’t either. Some minimize the idea of being “born again” as an act of baptism in water. Some make it ethereal by saying it is a strictly of the “other world” and not something seen and felt in this one. Some doctrinalize it and preach the exact words very loudly, hoping volume will make up for lack of understanding. Some do all three of these, and it is still a far cry from whatever Jesus was saying.
 
Our Master said, “You are Israel’s teacher and do you not understand these things?”
Humbly, we must respond, yes. We are the teachers we do not understand. We have a general intellectual agreement with the fact that it is true, and most of us have experienced some-sort-of-something, but yes, we do not understand these things.
 
Our Teacher tries to explain, “Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. You should not be surprised at my saying, ‘You must be born again.’ The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.”
Spirit birthing spirit? Rebirth that is like the wind? Wow. Thanks for clearing that up, Jesus.
 
I think a key for both Nicodemus and us is to stop trying to “categorize” and instead try to “romanticize”. We must embrace (as author Peter Block puts it) idealism, intimacy and depth over efficiency, methodology, and organization. It is quite counter-cultural. But it would be a mistake to dismiss it as unrealistic.
 
Idealism and realism are often set as opposites (I may have done as much, in this old post:  http://brianmashburn.blogspot.com/2005_06_01_archive.html – you’ll have to scroll down to the one entitled ‘The Realist’s Satisfaction vs. The Idealist’s Amazement”). But what if they are not? What if “being idealistic” is a realistic thing to do and be?
 
The idealism I pursue is Christlikeness in every relationship. This work is by default intimate work. And it can not be done on the surface…it requires depth. Every-increasing depth.
 
So…Re-birth…it’s the thing that Jesus (and therefore, we as a church) are offering to the world. And it is oftentimes as mysterious to us as to the beloved one’s that we are peddling it to.
 
We need to shut off our minds and chunk our structures and allow our heart to come up with new categories with which to explain things. As we go, it will require art (pictures, analogies, visuals, metaphors, poetry) in some form to communicate about it. Sorry, left-brainers, but you have a right-brain, too (underdeveloped and underutilized as they may be)…and you will need to exercise it to grasp the re-birth that Christ wants every human to have. THEN, we want to use your left-brain to organize social structures that have half-a-chance of delivering it to more people.
 
If we refuse to open our minds to new categories of thinking, how will we understand teachers who say things like, “Rebirth is like the wind”?

The work of rebirth is intimate…and we have a tendency towards being private.
The work of rebirth is continual…and we have a tendency to do something and be done.
The work of rebirth is found communally in dialogue with God and others…but we hate long meetings (be it with God himself or with others).
 
The work of rebirth… The whole world is set against it. The people of God don’t have time to experience it. And even though it is trying to happen to each person in every moment, we are conditioned to miss it, pursuing other “worthy” things. And God help us, those of us who are leaders and teachers in the church are trying to deliver this mysterious, real, life-giving “wind” to others when we don’t understand it. Seriously, God help us.
 
Seriously, God will. God is. We must only be willing. Here is a piece of art that has long captured my imagination while explaining my experience of re-birth. Guess I’ll just have to leave it with this for now.
 
With passion in our hearts, and with ever-increasing understanding, God is having a group of us “leaders and teachers” in Amarillo become social architects, if you will, organizing our “church” into a community of believers who live and deliver re-birth to as many people as will accept.
 
May God help us.

On Undoing Things and the Amazing Grace In It

5 April 2007
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“Wilbur…you have work to do. Take them on. Stop them! Do it! Blow their dirty, filthy ships out of the water!” – John Newton, to his younger contemporary, William Wilberforce, as they both work toward “undoing” the slavery that John had played a part in maintaining
 
“To Timothy my true son in the faith…stay there in Ephesus so that you may command certain men not to teach false doctrines any longer nor to devote themselves to myths and endless genealogies. These promote controversies rather than God’s work-which is by faith. The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith. Some have wandered away from these and turned to meaningless talk. They want to be teachers of the law, but they do not know what they are talking about or what they so confidently affirm.” – The Apostle Paul, to his younger contemporary, Timothy, as they both work toward “undoing” a slavery that Paul had played a part in creating.

 
I just saw “Amazing Grace”. The movie about William Wilberforce working to abolish the slave trade in England.
 
I was “assigned” to see this movie by one of my Shepherds and with another one of my Shepherds. The idea behind the assignment was that I am a type of William Wilberforce, and my Shepherd who came with me is a type of John Newton…and that our relationship is similar, and that seeing ourselves played out in this movie would be inspiring and healing.
 
Now, I just want to go on record as saying that this is a really cool “assignment” to give somebody!
 
But more importantly…He was right.
 
Of course, the “movie” that we are living in is not quite as “Big Screen” worthy, but it summoned much from the depths of our hearts nonetheless.
 
The “cause” that William was passionately working for was freedom and life for all men. The enemy was slavery…men enslaved to other men rather than God alone. William’s mentor and minister, John Newton, used to own a slave ship, but repented (he is the one who wrote the song “Amazing Grace”) and now serves God as a humble minister of the pure gospel and inspires others to do the same. John is somewhat haunted by “20,000 ghosts”, he says…the souls of those slaves that he had a hand in enslaving. He is free from playing that role anymore in his life, doing quite the opposite now, but he desperately wants to undo what he has done. And through his enabling of William, and his own confessional truth telling, he plays a significant role in doing just that. While William’s passion and giving of his life for the cause is the primary storyline being watched in the theatre (i.e.: He is the one “preaching” in the parliament), it is John’s repentance from his past life that offers poignant credibility and inspires persistent faithfulness to the cause.
 
The “cause” that I am passionately working for is freedom and life for all men. The enemy is slavery…men enslaved to legalistic religion rather than Christ alone. My mentor and minister, this Shepherd, used to preach and teach this legalistic religion, but repented and now serves God as a humble minister of the pure gospel and inspires others to do the same. My Shepherd is somewhat haunted by his “20,000 ghosts” as well…the souls of those slaves who still live under a legalistic righteousness that he had a hand in teaching. He is free from playing that role anymore in his life, doing quite the opposite now, but he desperately wants to undo what he has done. And through his enabling of me, and his own confessional truth telling, he plays a significant role in doing just that. While my passion and giving of my life for the cause is the primary storyline being watched in our “theatre” (i.e.: I’m the one preaching from the pulpit), it is my Shepherd’s repentance from his past life that offers poignant credibility and inspires persistent faithfulness to the cause.
 
William and John go about their separate lives, connecting periodically and memorably just a few times throughout the movie, faithfully living out and fighting for the cause in their separate roles and ways. I imagine that for each of them, the mere thought of the other inspires them to continue faithfully in the life they now live , and want all others to see.
 
That is a pretty good description of the relationship that my Shepherd and I have.
 
May God bless us with the blessing of living every day in faithfulness to this worthy cause, and may we be grateful every day for how God has given us each other to keep us ever-inspired to die for it.
 
“I once was lost, but now am found…was blind, but now I see.” – A line from the John’s song, Amazing Grace

Walk into Pain

4 April 2007
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“It is the Law that any difficulties that can come to you at any time, no matter what they are, must be exactly what you need most at the moment, to enable you to take the next giant step forward by overcoming them.  The only real misfortune, the only real tragedy, comes when we suffer pointlessly, without learning the lesson.” — Emmet Fox
 
“The circumstances you currently face are the precise conditions required to give you exactly what you are needing to be who you are most longing to be.” – Your Truly
 
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” – St. Paul
 
“The obstacles before you will become your source of life.” – The “fortune” from my fortune cookie at lunch yesterday
 
“Put your trust in the light while you have it, so that you may become sons of light.” – Jesus
 
So it comes to this. God has reverted to fortune cookies to pronounce out loud, once again, what has become so glaringly true in my life’s experiences.
 
And yet, still, I resist.
 
I resist pain when it presents itself to me.
I resist coaching others to walk into their pain.
I resist seeing Christ’s life, who I say I want to emulate above all else, primarily as a “walk into pain”.
I resist people who love me enough to point me into it while the world (and my rational flesh) calls them fools.
 
It’s so counter-intuitive. No wonder my Master has tutored me with the idea that “narrow is the road that leads to life” and that only a “few find it”.
 
So few believe. So few. Even among the spiritual. So few.
 
When circumstances provide me with the obvious opportunity to be forged, to confront myself, to transform, to metamorphosis, it always requires time, energy, intent, willingness…suffering.
 
Sometimes I do brain-dead things to drown out the “opportunity”, like flip on the TV or surf the web. But most of the time I need a much more noble distraction to “trick myself” out of doing this self-crucifixion-type work. Something as obviously mind-numbing, useless, and time killing taking a drink, a drug, or even picking up the comic section of the newspaper isn’t thick enough to shade me from the light of opportunity before me. No, I need much more “spiritual” deception. Something I can use to justify my avoidance of true suffering.
 
Like calling a hurting person. God knows there are plenty of them, and after all, what better way to avoid anything lacking in me than by helping someone who is lacking in them? I even get to feel appreciated in my assistance of someone else’s transformation while avoiding mine!
 
Or serving my family. How splendid is that? I get to be a good husband and father, and acknowledged as such, while avoiding the hard inner-work that would be a much truer blessing to them.
 
Or drowning myself in the details of my “work”. I’m a minister, so I get the double bonus of “needing to get my work done” or “providing for my family” AND consider it a service to my church. No one, not even I, will notice that my zeal stems from my fear of suffering. There’s nothing like a little suffering to camouflage my avoidance and fear of a massive dose of it.
 
You know, the opportunity for truly sincere, holy, life-giving suffering is probably constantly available, but rare is the moment, it seems, when it both presents itself in glorious fashion and I am awake enough to see it as such. I should take it when it comes…and so should you.
 
We should put our trust in it’s light while we have it, so that we can become sons of light.
 
Right now, right here, if I will perk up and pay attention, I will undergo a revolution. All things that are present in my life right now, all the cast of characters that surround me, even the seemingly insignificant ones, will work for good for me. If only I will love God and work according to His purpose in putting them all there. If only I will walk into the suffering.
 
It’s trying to happen. For you, too. Look around, spot it, and walk into it. And then, and only then, will you find life to the full. Only then will you be a source of it for others. Only then…will you be more like Christ than you are now.
 
 

Full of Names

14 March 2007
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“As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” – Jesus

“You yourselves have been taught by God to love each other. In fact, you do love… Yet we urge you, brothers, to do so more and more.” – Jesus’ disciple, Paul
“Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart.” – Jesus’ disciple, Peter

“We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers.” – Jesus’ disciple, John
 
“Offering courageous and intimate love to another person is the only thing that has ever, ever worked in any of my disciple-making efforts. And it is the only thing that has ever, ever hurt.” – Jesus’ disciple, Brian
 
There is an email that I have been writing in my draft box that brings tears to my eyes.
 
It is full of names.
 
They are the names of people that I am attempting to have at least some level of intimate, loving, mutually serving, ultimately transforming relationship with.
 
It is a list that is full of emotion for me. Uncensored words that attempt a description of such emotion would include longing, closeness, leaven, endearment, hurt, disappointment, regret, care, too many, too much, not enough time, inadequate, fear, loss, potential, “if only I did more”, laughter, awe, difficulty, conflict, woundedness, gratitude, acceptance, unconditional, affirmation, guilt, duty, joy, falling short, over shooting, expecting too much, despair, belief, quitting, apathy, giving up, re-engaging, spread too thin, mistakes, breakthroughs, speechlessness, secrets, confession, truth, freedom…Christ.
 
I have a weakness for people. It compels me to want to be with them, to hear their hearts, to see their worlds, to understand their perspectives, to give them mine in some hope that it can make a meaningful difference in their lives. It also compels me to want to avoid them, to avoid their hearts, to ignore their worlds, to judge their perspectives, and give them mine in some impersonal, matter-of-fact way in some hope that it will deflect them from inconveniencing me with the mess of their lives. And this puts me face to face with myself and my God, smack dab in the middle of the “every-single-moment” battle of deciding who I am gonna be.
 
In short, it gives me life.
 
I haven’t started this other email, but there is another one that would be much longer that lists the names of people who I have had (in the past, as opposed to currently) some level of intimate, loving, mutually serving, ultimately transforming relationship with.
 
It is a list that is full of even more emotion for me. Especially when I see them again, or run into them, or get to catch up a bit. It’s almost like time-warping back and meeting my younger self when I interact with (or just remember) someone who was known and loved by my younger self. The uncensored word list would include all the words above with maybe 4 times the the intensity. I don’t know why the past names drum up more intensity, I only know that it is so.
 
There is a third one that I can’t write, but it exists nonetheless. I don’t even know the people yet who would be on an email listing the names of those who I am about to meet in the future who I will have some level of intimate, loving, mutually serving, ultimately transforming relationship with. So while there is not emotion welling up for these unknown people, the emotion wells up by the thought of the sheer amount of them coming.
 
Add to that, that I have forgotten more people’s names than I have remembered, and I have remembered hundreds. When you are weak to people, there are a whole lot of people to love. And the less biased/prejudiced you are about who you will love, the larger the pool of people around you that you are weak to. And the deeper you go in any one of them, the more you realize just how much they (and you) needed someone to “go there” with them, and how important it is that they never are abandoned or betrayed. And the follow up that any one of them might need from the person who “loved them there” is potentially endless.
 
It is immense. 
 
Not to mention the fact that my love for people gets me into a whole lot of trouble. I am constantly asking people to trust me (which seems to be something most struggle with), and I am constantly trusting people and by doing so, asking them to be trustworthy (which is also something most struggle to be). And since this kind of relational capacity with people seems to represent a persons relational capacity with God, I am always asking them to trust others (which puts these that “struggle to trust” with those people who “struggle to be trustworthy”).
 
It gets me into a whole lot of trouble.
 
I think it would easier if I would chill out on this intimate community thing. My days would be more predictable. My life would be more manageable. My nights would be less interruptible. My production (on things more measurable) would be more efficient. My hands would look a lot cleaner, my shirt would be less bloody, my mind would have fewer names, my lunches and coffees spent with fewer people more often. My email wouldn’t take so long, my phone wouldn’t ring so much, my home and office doors wouldn’t swing so much, and my heart wouldn’t either. I think it would be easier if I would chill out…”man up” on this weakness for people thing.
 
And if I could think of any other “less messy, less death-defying” way to make disciples of Jesus Christ, I would. But I haven’t found one. See, the fact is that this is not really a “weakness” for people, it’s a “priority” of people. And discipleship is always about transformation of people. And transformation of people requires loving people in the deep waters of their hearts. And that kind of scuba-diving adventure, should you decide to accept it, comes with some “water pressure”. It’s just part of it. And not quite as un-navigatable as you might think.
 
So I love people. And my love for people is right and good. I don’t always love them right and best, but my love for them is right and good. I don’t always prioritize those people just right or perfectly, but my priority for people is right and good.
 
Even the trouble it gets me into I love. Sharing in life with those God puts in my path gives me feelings, even when it is painful, that reminds me I’m alive. I have company at every turn. Offering spiritual friendship is all I want to do and it is all that has ever, ever worked to make my life look like anything at all resembling the word “good”.
 
And those lists of names, and my unattainable desire to love them all in some direct, interpersonal, and intimate way that shows them what God is like, and what He thinks of them, and that He offers them the best possible way to live, and that it will last for eternity, and that it will never stop getting better…wow…I love it. I love that it is my desire, and I love that it is unattainable. I don’t know why I love it, I just know that it is so.
 
And I live this way quite intentionally and crystal clear that I will get better and better at it, and will help others do the same, and that my longing to be in intimate community with every single person that I ever meet, because I love them so, will be satisfied…
 
…in Heaven.
 
As a matter of fact, that is my description of Heaven. Perfect loving relationship with God and everyone, and e everything, with an eternity to express it and enjoy it, and never exhausting how close and how much love we can feel and express…doubling it daily, maybe hourly, forever and ever. World without end. Amen.
 
 
 
 
 
 

I needed him to say it 22 times

8 March 2007
Comments (3)
“How long will you lie there, you sluggard? When will you get up from your sleep? A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest — and poverty will come on you like a bandit and scarcity like an armed man.” – King David

It has been a long, long time since I’ve had one of my middle-of-the night wake up calls from God. But I had one last night.
 
It was 3:30am, and there I was wide awake. It is a very unusual experience for me to wake up in the middle of the night. Every time, when I assume it is from God, and am faithful in getting up, going to my prayer room and either opening my Bible, sitting in contemplative silence, or journaling to one of my kids, or some similar quiet exercise…I am surprised by some Word from God that is personal, timely, exciting, comforting,and or directing.
 
As I lied awake in bed, feeling that familiar feeling, I expended the energy to remember some of those times.
 
Like the time when I was struggling with my “public speaking” ministry. I was avoiding “speaking engagements” as much as was possible without being outright and obviously neglectful of my youth ministry in Houston. In addition to the normal speaking expectations and necessities involved in being a youth minister, I was sitting in the tension of being invited to speak abroad (which stroked my ego) and wanting to be humble (which was the spiritual way of saying ‘no’…when what I was really afraid of was “failing”, which would’ve crushed my ego). Years of this being semi-navigatable climaxed with a few months of intensity due to the increased frequency of saying “no”, moving me to really needing a specific word from God to trust and obey, regardless of the cost or consequence to my self (and self-image), taking me and my judgment out of it. Then it happened…the wake up call. I forced myself out of bed, asked God what He wanted, then opened my Bible and cast my eyes on these words: “Do not be afraid; keep on speaking, do not be silent. For I am with you, and no one is going to attack and harm you, because I have many people in this city.” Wow. It was just icing to note that 1) these were words of Jesus, 2) spoken to Paul “one night in a vision”.
 
I obeyed. It was hard. It took faith. And I have been healed. I am still speaking, faithful to that Word, regardless of the inward fears that still sometimes come. For me, it is a personal inside joke between me and my Father, and a tribute to His power and glory, that I am now a preacher.
 
Then there was the time that is more sentimental to me than it is “amazing”. My wife and I were about to have our second child, and we were looking for names (we didn’t know if it was a boy or a girl) that we thought were both 1) cool and unique and 2) spiritually inspiring and meaningful. We were really stuck. Then it happened…wide awake in the middle of the night. I forced myself out of bed (which is the only way I can get out of bed in the middle of the night – a legitimate and begrudged step of faith required of me for these treasures that only later am I grateful for), and went to the prayer room. I don’t want to imply that these sweet words always come from “randomly opening the Bible”, but I did it this time, too. I skeptically squinched up my face when I opened to I Kings 7 and started reading one of those boring parts of the Bible where it’s outlining the dimensions, workers, and items surrounding the building of the Solomon’s Temple. I almost tried again, turning to the New Testament, hoping to hit the gospels for a word from Christ, but decided to read on and “see what happened.” My eyes got to a weird pause in the details about the 2 bronze pillars erected on the porch of the temple, where Solomon named one of of them Jakin and one of them Boaz. I glided by it, but couldn’t keep the name Jakin from ringing in my head. I looked up it’s meaning, which is “God Establishes.” Great meaning, but I wasn’t sold on it. The next morning, my wife had the same reaction. But it grew on us over the following weeks to a weird place of really loving it. So much so, that we used it in both our boy and girl names. Jakin Major for a boy, which means “God establishes greatness”, and Callie Jakin for a girl, which means “The beauty that God establishes.” We had a girl. Then 2 years later, we had another boy. We used both names. While that’s valuable enough a gift between me and my Father, I expect I have yet to see the glorious reason He had us give them that name. And I expect I will learn that in and through my children as they grow up with those names.
 
There are more…but you get the point. So let me tell you what happened last night. 
 
Nothing.
 
Nothing at all. You know why? Because I rolled over and waited out my “wide-awakeness” for 45 minutes to get back to sleep.
 
And this morning…I am full of regret. I feel like a man in poverty, who didn’t have to be. A feel like scarcity is upon me like a bandit, and it is due to my own faithless laziness. How often does God interrupt my sleep? Not often. How many times has He proven faithful to give me the riches of His Presence expressed to me in some unspeakable and personal way? Every one of the few times.
 
Twenty one times I find the words “get up!” spoken by Jesus. I’ve read all of them before. Many, many times in all of their various contexts.
 
But today I am getting my own personal set of those words, from my Lord, for my own personal context. I guess I needed him to say it 22 times.
 
 
 
 

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